If you are looking to quit smoking crack, be it for the first or three hundredth time, congratulations! Quitting smoking crack is a process millions of people have undergone, and it’s certainly not easy. Fortunately, there are some steps you can take to make the quitting process quick and effective, just as soon as you finish this little bit, push all your stems, and keep trying to get ahold of your connect 300 more times, just to be sure.
Replace all the Chore Boy in your house.
If you want to stop smoking crack for real this time, you will first need to get rid of any instruments that make crack-smoking possible. Start by tossing all of your glass stems, which have likely been broken down to nubs, in a communal dumpster as soon as you get up tomorrow morning, or are winding down for the night tomorrow morning. Then, replace all of the Chore Boy in your house with cotton balls, which will immediately catch fire when lit, ruining your crack.
Tear out your carpeting.
Next, after writing up a budget of how much money it will take to move out of this shithole town now that you’re not spending all your money on rock anymore, get rid of any surfaces that you’ve crawled on your hands and knees scouring that may be hiding any crumbs, drips, or very tiny pieces of rock that you may have dropped on a particularly abundant payday. This includes carpets, rugs, bathmats, and even grass if you have smoked crack outdoors. Drywall can be left alone, and although any chips will resemble rock, you will notice that the taste and smell are different when you inevitably attempt to smoke it several times.
Remove all baking equipment.
If you were cooking your own cocaine down, you should get rid of the items necessary for doing so now that you won’t be smoking anymore starting tomorrow. Start by throwing out any Pyrex, baking soda, and microwaves. You can also turn off the cold water in your home as well, just to be safe. Then, use the quarter ounce of cocaine you had purchased to cook for another purpose, like snorting all weekend, or trading for heroin, which will help immensely with the longing feelings that come up when you stop smoking crack tomorrow.
Find a new hobby.
Now that the big day is nearly here, you will need to find a new hobby to fill in the nine years you spent smoking crack. Try to engage in something that will take your mind out of the obsessive, self-hating loop that led you to find something that effectively helped you check out of reality in one instant. Common hobbies for recent crack-quitters include chain-smoking cigarettes, aggressive flossing, and compulsive skin-picking, but any activity you spent hours doing in the bathroom while you were getting high will suffice. While this will not control your feelings nearly as effectively as crack did, it will invoke similar feelings to when your connect wouldn’t pick up his phone.
Don’t tell anyone.
Now that you have quit smoking crack, be sure to not tell anyone about your former habit, as they will still use it to judge you harshly. If you need to talk about the cravings, intense depression, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and general hopelessness that come up from time to time, just replace the word “crack” with “opiates,” as this will elicit much more sympathy and may even make you seem more interesting to people.
