PHOENIX — Local musician and currently band-less drummer Elle Jade’s hopes of joining a new group were promptly crushed after reaching the “no drama” stipulation in a Craigslist ad late yesterday morning, according to sources.
“‘No drama’ qualifiers have become the norm in ‘band seeking…’ posts and it’s killing the local scene,” Jade said. “Any band would be lucky to have me. I pride myself on my versatility, in that I can find creative differences with anyone in any genre. I mean, who wants a harmonious band? True art comes from conflict and if that conflict comes from me consistently and methodically trying to sleep with every band member’s marital partner, then that’s how it will happen.”
“Every ad I see is ‘low key’ this and ‘just have fun that.’ Ginger Baker must be rolling in his shallow grave,” she added.
One such band seeking a drummer defends their use of the “no drama” tag in their most recent of seven consecutive, identical postings.
“I can’t believe we even had to specify this. We’re a goddam ska cover band. Literally, our name is ‘Goddam Ska Cover Band.’ Our last drummer threw a tantrum in a Hawaiian shirt and oversized pink sunglasses. No one needs to see that twice in one lifetime,” remarked Goddamn Ska Cover Band vocalist Bryanna Ortiz. “Thankfully, our carefully worded Craigslist ad will prevent this type of incident from happening ever again, as ska bands are known for their consistent membership.”
In light of Jade’s situation and countless others like it, Craigslist released an official statement announcing a division into two separate services.
“We’re excited to announce the Craigslist splinter site: Sidslist,” said Craigslist spokesperson Marisa Vitali. “Sidslist provides an open, hassle-free way for dramatic musicians to find the right dysfunctional bands for them. It’s basically just the ‘free’ section and what would have been our ‘missed connections’ page years ago, but it is our hope to kickstart the next generation of Morrisseys and Gallaghers.”