There are two types of people in this world: People who like to believe they wouldn’t hide their zombie bite from their survivor group, and people who have been bitten by zombies. It changes your perspective on things fast.
What if your Mom was right? What if you are special? What if you and your special zombie-proof blood can save the world? Isn’t that worth risking the lives of the people who have been kind enough to help you?
Okay let’s be real, what it boils down to is if you’re going out, you want to go out with as much dramatic flair as possible. Here are 5 surefire tips for maximizing the damage caused by your inevitable turn to the undead.
Sleeves
Chances are you rolled yours up the first chance you had to project a false sense of confidence and authority. Unfortunately, it also projected a very real sense of “here’s a bunch more skin you can bite!” to the zombie hordes, and now you’re doomed. Roll those bad boys down to conceal your already necrotic wound, and if anyone questions why just fire back with “So the zombies can’t bite my arms, dumb-ass!”
Get A Tattoo Real Quick
Okay yes, at first this does seem like a weird time to ink up, but people get tattoos to commemorate significant events all the time! Really play it up, be all like “I can’t wait till this heals up so I can show you guys!” to the point of being annoying to throw the dogs off your scent.
Keep Saying “I’m Fine” A Lot
As the virus begins to work it’s way into your system you’re going to be doing a lot of wincing, panting and sweating. As soon as anyone asks “Are you okay?” it is vital that you fire back immediately with an aggressive “I’m fine!” like you’re about to kick their ass before shuffling on slightly faster than before.
Disagree With The Leader On Everything
To pull attention away from your clear signs of infection you want to generate as much chaos as possible. Adamantly disagree with whatever the group leader says, no matter how sound or logical their course of action may seem. For Example:
LEADER: “We need to collect as much food as we can.”
YOU: “Are you fucking kidding me?! What good is food gonna do us if we don’t have a secure perimeter! Stu is with me, right Stu?
Or, conversely:
LEADER: “We need to secure the perimeter.”
YOU: Secure the perimeter?! We need to focus on gathering food! Right Stu?”
Convince The Group That You Bit Yourself
So you’ve been caught melodramatically staring at your gaping zombie wound, fear not! Simply tell the group that you have a psychological condition that causes you to bite yourself in high stress situations, and before they can argue back bite your other arm. It’ll hurt like hell but don’t show it, be all like “Oh yeah, that’s good biting!”
Not only will it get you out of a pickle, it can explain away future zombie bites, as well as make you a shoe-in for the coveted “group psycho” position.