There is a specter haunting Halloween — the specter of communism.
My name is Toby Masterson. I am 12 years old. You don’t know me, but come October 31st you just may find me knocking on your door to receive candy. Candy that I am legally entitled to, regardless of whether or not I am wearing a mask on my face.
The liberal media would have you believe that Halloween is a day where the walls between the living and the dead are weakest and that we must wear scary masks to spook away evil spirits so they don’t haunt us. Well, I have done my own research, and I consider this to be a provably untrue scare-tactic concocted by the deep state. They just want to break our spirit by proving they can get us to dress up in silly outfits whenever they want.
As a fixed-income child, Halloween candy allows me to supplement my candy consumption for the entire year. I depend on that candy, and the government has no right to tell me what I need to wear on my face in order to earn it.
It’s no surprise that that commie bastard “Sleepy” Joe Biden — a rank and file member of the liberal elite who has never had to earn a piece of candy in his entire life — doesn’t know that trick or treating can take a tremendous toll on the cardiovascular system. You’re walking the whole time with an ever growing bag of candy weighing you down. After a while, it gets pretty hard to breathe under my Jason mask, and I like to take it off, an act that is apparently considered by Marxist swine to be “not in the Halloween spirit.”
FACT: Satanic possession claims more children every year than Halloween specters.
FACT: There is no scientific evidence that wearing a spooky mask prevents someone from contracting a ghost or spreading said ghost to others.
FACT: Young, healthy people with normally functioning souls are perfectly capable of fending off a spiritual possession and may not even display symptoms of possession.
I understand perfectly well that by not wearing a spooky mask I am at risk of becoming infected by an unholy spirit or entity. What you need to understand is that it is my choice to take that risk. This is a democracy, and you have no right to enforce your “safety standards” on me.
Also, would it kill you to spring for full-size Reese’s cups? “Fun size?” Sounds like another word for socialism to me.