CAPITOLA, Calif. –– Awkward man Bryan Erdman revealed Monday that he is never quite sure what to do with his hands during sex, and always worries that his nerves might turn his sexual partners off.
“I don’t have this problem when I’m talking to women at the bar, because I can be holding a drink and trying to lean against the wall all cool. But as soon as we get naked, I feel totally exposed,” said a bumbling Erdman. “I always get in my own head and become hyper-aware of my extremities. I’ll try to think of something cool to do, like rub on her butt… but then I overthink it and end up doing finger guns like a fucking freak. I wish I had pockets or something.”
Previous sexual partners were quick to confirm Erdman’s uncouth behavior between the sheets.
“Yeah, he always made it super weird… and not weird in a good way, where I take what I learned from him to my next sexual partner,” said a former lover who asked to remain anonymous. “I always thought he was just nervous, which honestly, seemed kind of sweet to me. I appreciate his obvious enthusiasm. But after a while, all the fidgeting got to be too much. Like, just grab my ass or pull my hair or something, but enough with the thumbs-up and high-fives. We’re not playing basketball at the Y.”
Researchers claim this type of reaction can be very common in high-pressure situations requiring focus.
“No one wants to feel like they’re following overly-choreographed hand movements or copying what they saw some porn dude doing,” said psychologist Dr. Lana Alameda. “If you’re feeling unsure of yourself and don’t want to be distracting, maybe try finding some kind of prop to keep your hands occupied, like a fidget spinner or a Rubik’s cube. I have some clients that will use an adult coloring book in order to keep their hands busy, and that can help break the tension. At this point, I would recommend Bryan just have his partner tie him up with something around this house.”
At press time, Erdman was waving effusively at his partner.