HYANNIS, Mass. — Local man Kenny Gomez was outed as a “fucking liar” on Tuesday evening upon telling a pharmacy cashier that he does not have a CVS ExtraCare card when she, in fact, does.
“I knew the cashier saw the mini-card thing on my keys when I put them on the counter,” said a red-faced, guilt-stricken Gomez. “I considered telling her the truth, but I just don’t have room in my car’s front console for more receipts, what with the slew of McDonald’s drive thru receipts already shoved in there. I feel guilty for lying, certainly, and also kind of foolish… because I know I shouldn’t turn down a 6-for-$5 Ramen packet deal at this point in my life.”
CVS Pharmacy cashier Melanie Chung, who handed out over 20 15-foot long receipts during her shift that day, did not consider Gomez to be the sinner she’d pinned herself as.
“I was actually relieved to not have to avoid eye contact for 30 seconds as the long-ass thing printed,” said Clark. “If he’d told me the truth, I know it’d just contribute to the receipt-garbage overflow I have to take out every hour. So it’s a win-win for both of us — unless he really wanted two Almay concealers for the price of one, of course, which actually is kind of a decent deal, but his loss.”
However, Gomez’s mother was upset her son did not use the CVS ExtraCare card she gave him for his birthday.
“I never waste a CVS receipt. I’ve used it as a bandage, toilet paper, and to patch the hole in our roof,” said Kenny’s mother, Lucille Gomez. “She could have just folded it in his pocket, cut out the $5 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner coupon, and remembered to bring it with him and use it the next time he’s at CVS. How hard is that? And don’t even get me started on the ExtraBucks he missed out on — 30 more trips with that card and he would’ve gotten $3 off his next purchase of two whitening toothpastes, as long as he used that within four days. I don’t recognize the apparent monster that I raised.”
At press time, Gomez declined to donate to Walgreen’s American Diabetes Association fund, despite actually having a dollar in his wallet.