March 2020 - Page 23 of 30

Patrick Coyne • March 9, 2020

DENVER — A controversial new study conducted by “a gaggle of lame-ass dorks with like, basically two followers or whatever”…

James Gavigan • March 9, 2020

NAMEK — Local psychopath and emperor of Universe 7, Frieza, reportedly failed to turn into his final form at a…

Jeremy Kaplowitz • March 9, 2020

ATLANTA — Video game company Nintendo has sent a cease and desist to local fan Denis Fernandez for his Legend…

Jon Swihart • March 9, 2020

Listen pussies, I’m not going to “tone down” my drinking just because you claim I have a problem. Sure, my…

Patrick Coyne • March 9, 2020

SALT LAKE CITY — Relatively tidy local woman Aaliyah Thomson is allegedly debating which side of her horrendously stained and…

John Danek • March 9, 2020

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Capitalizing on the true crime entertainment craze, Clifford Waters has turned his grief over his wife’s…

Aidan Sears • March 9, 2020

Talk about a once in a lifetime moment! When 33-year-old line cook Danny Bordeaux went to see Rise Against perform…

Mark Hassenfratz • March 9, 2020

NEW YORK — Local punk Johnny Tolbert’s extensive record of good deeds and “random acts of kindness” are all simply…

Joseph Stilwell • March 9, 2020

RENTON, Wash. — Local dungeon master Sean Murdoch was rushed to the hospital yesterday evening, after his player and cousin…

Andy Holt • March 8, 2020

PASADENA, Calif. — Local gamer Miles Trench has reportedly touched his fingertip to the surface of his oven for the first…

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