March 2018 - HARDTIMES

Thaddeus Cramer • March 31, 2018

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — After seeing her son Jacob Cohen bring home his new girlfriend for Passover, a body pillow with…

Jordan Ashley • March 31, 2018

BURBANK, Calif. — A representative from Disney has announced that the fan favorite second through eighth seasons of The Simpsons…

Allison Mick • March 31, 2018

Awards season is finally over so it’s time to stop pretending you saw Phantom Thread and get back to the…

Louie Aronowitz • March 31, 2018

NEW YORK — The 2003 Ford Windstar that brought punk trio ElecMan down the East Coast last month is also…

Jesse Irvin • March 30, 2018

We’ve all heard it before: “This one trick will CHANGE your life! Click here to find out what it is!”…

Chuck Kowalski • March 30, 2018

PITTSBURGH — High school English teacher Dennis Schneider disregarded yesterday’s lesson on George Orwell’s dystopian classic 1984 in favor of…

Jordan Breeding • March 30, 2018

DENVER — Scientists have announced the discovery of a clear, 100% correlation between the stunning board game skill of sophomore…

Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga • March 29, 2018

BETWEEN PERCEPTION AND REALITY — Local deity Paradox Omnideath made the decision to wait for his opponents to perform various…

Joe Rumrill • March 29, 2018

MARIETTA, Ohio — Local toddler Samantha McKinnon was completely indifferent yesterday when her grandmother feigned taking Samantha’s nose during a…

Ed Saincome • March 28, 2018

Few bands lately have garnered as much buzz as quickly as Brockhampton, the Los Angeles boy band boasting 14 members…