COLUMBIA, S.C. — Fans attending a punk show at the Screaming Lizard last night encountered a solitary male whose arms appeared to be permanently crossed in front of his body, according to multiple sources.
“Oh, yeah. That guy came in after the first opener,” said Bruce Thompson, the bouncer for the evening. “I asked him to uncross his arms so I could stamp his hand. But he just stood there looking grumpy, so I just hit a part of his exposed wrist.”
Other staff members recalled the man attempting to enjoy himself despite his negative body language.
“He ordered one light beer and just kind of held the bottle by the neck, behind his elbow. I don’t think he took a drink the whole show,” said bartender Sally Reid. “It took him forever to get his wallet out of his back pocket. He sort of leaned his butt against the stool until the wallet popped out.”
Many showgoers saw the rigid man scouting the edges of the audience, seeking a good vantage point and nodding his head to the music, all the while keeping his arms folded tightly. However, witnesses claim his behavior in the bathroom caused the most confusion.
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“The guy cozied right up to the urinal with his arms crossed. I mean, it sounded like he was peeing, but there’s no way he could have unzipped his fly with his arms like that,” said one witness, who requested anonymity. “He didn’t wash his hands, but I guess he didn’t need to.”
It remains unclear exactly how the somewhat intimidating-looking man tucked his hands so immovably. Medical observers noted anything from upper body paralysis, a botched surgical procedure, or simply being uncomfortable in a public setting could be the cause.
“Live music lends itself to a feeling of community, and without friends in attendance, males will sometimes take an uninviting posture,” said Charlotte Lee, Professor of Psychology at Clemson University. “Maybe if he loosened up a bit and tried to have fun like everyone else, he wouldn’t have looked like such an unbearable asshole.”
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