Misfits Christmas Album Mostly Just Songs About Halloween

LODI, N.J. — A highly anticipated Christmas album from punk legends The Misfits consists primarily of songs about Halloween, multiple confused listeners confirmed.

The album, entitled Mommy, Can I Go Out and Carol Tonight? features the band’s original lineup performing holiday originals as well as covers.

“I thought, finally — here’s some music my mom and I can both enjoy,” said longtime Misfits fan and high school student Laura Patton. “But they somehow turned ‘Frosty the Snowman’ into a story of demonic possession and decapitation. My mom grounded me as soon as she heard it.”

Bassist Jerry Only explained that the album was a poorly conceived way to capitalize on the holiday season.

“Historically, Christmas albums are big sellers,” said Only. “We figured we might as well get a piece of that market. Unfortunately, it turns out we’re all so used to singing about Halloween that we just couldn’t shake the habit. But I’m still confident that our song ‘House of Horrors’ could be a Christmas classic.”

Recently reunited with The Misfits, frontman Glenn Danzig was excited to write new lyrics that stretched the band’s lyrical content.

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“I sat down at my desk made entirely out of the bones of nocturnal animals to write lyrics about the holiday season,” said Danzig. “But the only words that came out were about wearing masks, creating havoc, and dead cats. I’m just not used to making songs about bullshit like jingle bells, candy canes, and family togetherness.”

Recording sessions were reportedly fraught with frustration, as the band struggled to create music that effectively conveyed the Christmas spirit.

“I was optimistic at first,” said producer Ed Stasium. “They had a kickass version of ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.’ But by the end of the song, Rudolph had been mutilated and skull-fucked multiple times. I don’t even know how it happened. And then Glenn wanted to record ‘Rudolph II,’ which was all in Latin. I just hit record and stepped outside for a smoke.”

Sales of Mommy, Can I Go Out and Carol Tonight? have allegedly already eclipsed Anal Cunt’s 1997 Hanukkah album, Dreidel Up Your Ass.

Do all of your holiday shopping in The Hard Times web store:

Article by Steve Bennett. Photo by Daniel Boczarski and Shelby Kettrick @ShelbyShootsStuff


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