PHOENIX, Ariz. — An Arizona judge recently sentenced a man who ate his roommate’s leftovers to two years in federal prison in a monumental case that has vindicated victims of meal theft across the country.
“It’s such a relief to know this man is behind bars, far away from my Panda Express,” said Rory Avila, the roommate whose leftovers were wrongfully devoured in the highly publicized case. “I met him on Craigslist—I know, red flag, but I was desperate. It started innocently enough, with him taking sneaky little bites of my takeout, but progressed to straight up jacking the orange chicken out of my two-item combo, and finally to swiping entire dishes. Do you know the feeling of dreaming about your leftovers all day, only to come home to your egg rolls gone without a trace? That will inspire you to punch a hole through the wall and never get your deposit back.”
Convicted leftover food thief, Josh Cleary, is determined to prove his innocence in the case, and for all those facing charges in domestic provisions theft cases.
“I’ve been painted as a monster, but I’m a nice guy who made a mistake. I just had the munchies,” said Cleary from behind plexiglass. “Rory’s leftovers were unmarked in a community fridge, which meant they were up for grabs. At least, that’s how it works in office settings and at my buddy’s houses. Even if he did write his name on it, they usually just sit there going bad anyway. That’s so wasteful. Maybe I was gonna give it to a hungry, unhoused person—you don’t know! This is like 1940s Berlin, fascistic and infringing on my right to slither into the kitchen while Rory isn’t looking and eat his Dan Dan noodles.”
Judge Georgia Deblis says this is one of the most heinous crimes she’s ever seen, including murders.
“I’m sick of this deviant behavior going unpunished, and I’m here to change that, starting with Mr. Cleary,” said Deblis. “This man shows no remorse or sympathy for Mr. Avila, and I won’t idly stand by to see another life ruined by unethical snackers. I, myself, am a victim of leftover theft, and have not been able to serve justice until now. Two years in a federal prison seems like a fair punishment to me. Once he serves his sentence, he will be exiled to the countryside. He’ll do well learning how to live off the land and forage for his meals, something he should be used to doing.”
When released from state custody, Mr. Clearly will not be allowed within 500 feet of anyone’s leftovers.