CHICAGO — Local man and ostentatious snob William Huller was struck with an intense wave of envy as he pretended to read ‘Gravity’s Rainbow” in a local cafe after spotting another man pretending to read “Infinite Jest” nearby, exasperated sources report.
“Goddammit,” said Huller, his hands trembling on his copy of Thomas Pynchon’s 1973 masterwork. “Look at that guy. He’s flipping those pages with such casual yet deliberate motions that you can just feel how hard he’s making it look like he’s actually reading ‘Infinite Jest.’ I thought I was pretty hot shit, showing off the cover of this book so the cute goth barista will think I’m interesting and preparing myself to explain the plot as described on Wikipedia to anyone who looks at me, but I’m trash compared to him. I’ve never felt so emasculated in my life.”
“Jesus,” Huller added, his face drained of all color. “He just made a note in the margins. That’s so fucking cool.”
Salem Pokorny, the barista on shift, noticed the change in Huller’s demeanor despite actively trying not to catch his eye.
“That dude is constantly bringing thick-ass dead white guy books in here,” said Pokorny. “Acting like he’s reading them, chuckling loudly to himself, looking up and gazing out the window so it looks like he’s in deep thought. He fucking sucks and barely tips. But he went white as a sheet when this other asshole whipped an even thicker book out, and now he’s barely even trying to pretend. Still, it’s nice to have his dead-eyed stare on something other than my cleavage.”
Dr. Patrica Stone, a psychologist specializing in the study of toxic masculinity, had thoughts on the dynamic between the two very sad, boring men.
“In the absence of traditional forms of male competitiveness, like trying to seduce the same disinterested woman or beach volleyball, men have created new rituals to prove themselves,” said Dr. Stone. “In particular, pathetic men have to show their terrible, awful lack of value by peacocking pseudo-intellectualism in public, only to be outdone by the figuratively more elaborate plumage of an even bigger asshole. Also, ‘Infinite Jest’ is so goddamn boring.”
Further sources report that Huller had rushed out of the cafe in a panic after seeing the other man pull out a fedora and place it jauntily on his head.