As I ponder the waxing moon in contemplative solemnity, free of any obligations either vocational or especially social on this Friday evening with nothing to…
KANNAPOLIS, N.C. — An iPhone 13 owned by IT professional Justin Deeling achieved sentience after he accidentally left progressive metal band Tool’s 2001 album “Lateralus”…
Dear Sir, I hope this letter finds you, though previous correspondence has remained undelivered due to complaints from the Post Office that your mailbox keeps…
LOS ANGELES — Progressive metal band Tool recently announced the “Lateralus Gold” experience, which involves fans paying $10,000 to massage all four men in the…
JEROME, Ariz. — Jehovah’s Witness Leonard Standish and Tool fan Don Schmidt spent all night spreading the gospel of their faith and fandom, exhausted sources…
LOS ANGELES – Casual Tool fan Chris Miller is perplexing scientists around the world with his ability to listen to the progressive rock band without…
JEROME, Ariz. — Workers at Maynard James Keenan’s Caduceus Cellars were reportedly debating what to do with pallets of unsold “Stinkfist Chardonnay” after the Tool…
PHOENIX — The children of the Aaronson family forgave their father Billy for leaving them with empty, growling stomachs in order to purchase overpriced Tool…
DURHAM, NC — Researchers at Duke University recently discovered that playing Tool for your newborn will cause them to grow up thinking they’re smarter, deeper,…
We desperately needed to raise our IQ by a few points, so we decided to re-listen to Tool’s five full-length albums and deliver a comprehensive…
Each Sunday The Hard Times takes a look at a notable album from the past. This time around we reviewed Puscifer’s “Conditions of My Parole,”…
Tool is a platinum-selling, Grammy-winning, Billboard-topping collection of brilliant artists. Despite selling out arena tours, the average person does not understand the genius of the…
ST. PAUL, Minn. – Longtime Tool superfan Tim Linstrom claimed the setlist he stole from the stage of their Twin Cities concert was written entirely…
The Monkees were NBC’s biggest posers besides so-called “cop killer” turned pig, Ice T. But they were far from the only bullshit artists to slither…
At times, the burden of all-encompassing intellect can be especially difficult to shoulder. The impossibility of stimulating all possible thought processes at once means even…