Samuel Abraham
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As I ponder the waxing moon in contemplative solemnity, free of any obligations either vocational or especially social on this…
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Steve Packosky
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KANNAPOLIS, N.C. — An iPhone 13 owned by IT professional Justin Deeling achieved sentience after he accidentally left progressive metal…
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Ian Steffé
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Dear Sir, I hope this letter finds you, though previous correspondence has remained undelivered due to complaints from the Post…
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Tyler Roland
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LOS ANGELES — Progressive metal band Tool recently announced the “Lateralus Gold” experience, which involves fans paying $10,000 to massage…
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Tyler Roland
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JEROME, Ariz. — Jehovah’s Witness Leonard Standish and Tool fan Don Schmidt spent all night spreading the gospel of their…
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Robert John Scucci
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LOS ANGELES – Casual Tool fan Chris Miller is perplexing scientists around the world with his ability to listen to…
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Matt Husser
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JEROME, Ariz. — Workers at Maynard James Keenan’s Caduceus Cellars were reportedly debating what to do with pallets of unsold…
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John Danek
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PHOENIX — The children of the Aaronson family forgave their father Billy for leaving them with empty, growling stomachs in…
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Stephen Bell
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DURHAM, NC — Researchers at Duke University recently discovered that playing Tool for your newborn will cause them to grow…
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Tyler Roland
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We desperately needed to raise our IQ by a few points, so we decided to re-listen to Tool’s five full-length…
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