SACRAMENTO — Young Joey Hopkins was forced to listen to volumes five, seven, and eight of his father’s Epitaph Punk-O-Rama compilation collection in their entirety…
MODESTO, Calif. — Local bachelor Lou Charksville admitted that he can’t be himself around his new exceptionally lifelike sex doll which is far too out…
BEMIDJI, Minn. — A well-worn Danzig shirt owned by middle-aged metalhead Kyle Russo narrowly avoided being donated to Goodwill with a collection of old DVDs,…
PERRYSBURG, Ohio — A recent posting of singer/songwriter Dan Sheen’s Bandcamp link has silenced his local friend group chat despite being requested, sources close to…
CANASTOTA, N.Y — A rough-looking carnival worker sporting a Pantera shirt responsible for running a Ferris wheel made it certain he could give you and…
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local parents Jean and Tom Decker finally decided it’s acceptable to let their middle-aged son watch that new Beavis and Butthead movie,…
KENOSHA, Wis. — The long-hunted serial murderer known only as The Kenosha Cannibal was pleasantly surprised he could still slip into the first suit he’d…
SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local punk and administrative assistant Ross Taylor celebrated fifteen years at a job that he claims he only really keeps because of…
Person Who Has Never Seen “Star Wars” Not Saying That Because They Want You to Show Them “Star Wars”
Person Who Has Never Seen “Star Wars” Not Saying That Because They Want You to Show Them “Star Wars”
CARSON CITY, Nev. — Local graphic designer Sam Davis regretted ever mentioning that he’s never seen “Star Wars” after being inundated with offers by everyone…
BALTIMORE — Ferocious garage punk rockers Cigarettes Saved My Life challenged expectations by including a six-minute ballad at the end of their most recent album,…
PHILO, Ohio — Local 8th grader and “true” punk Tim Krenalka reportedly knows his geography pretty well, but refuses to participate in any lesson which…
ST. LOUIS — Local bass player Terry Gilchrist stood in quiet awe as his bass cab “Bertha” took down an astounding amount of drinks while…
Dear Esther, The last I wrote to you was from Gettysburg at our show at the Flying Bull. The road has been cruel. Each performance…
DENVER — Local straight edge woman Charlotte Watson made another addition to her expanding collection of Dasani water bottles that line the top of her…
WASHINGTON — Outraged Republicans are spending millions in taxpayer money to send every child turned gay by Disney’s “Lightyear” a copy of 1986’s “Top Gun,”…