PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Jeremy Squires is celebrating an astonishing 15 years of contemplating sobriety surrounded by friends, family, and bottomless mimosas at his…
Hockey, drinking and fighting are as synonymous as weed and the munchies. But don’t take our word for it, just go ask any Canadian why…
TORONTO — Family and friends of local man Neil Dupont are growing increasingly concerned for his health after showing signs that his alcohol problem has…
HOBOKEN, N.J. – WWE fan and local embarrassment, Connor Duncan, reportedly made preparations to save his liver during WrestleMania this weekend by pre-booking an emergency…
NEW YORK — Local woman Pam Carter was reportedly so amped up from another raucous International Women’s Day that she openly carried a tampon down…
WEST HARTFORD, Conn. — A previously too-cool-for-school music snob is reportedly just inebriated enough to loudly appreciate AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” playing…
Is there anything more boring than a funeral? You might as well get shitfaced while respectfully expressing your condolences. Thanks to your shitty genes, family…
SEATTLE, Wash. — Newly sober punk Dustin Patterson swore off alcohol after he experienced his first-ever bowel movement with a single, clean wipe, confirmed sources…
HARTFORD, Conn. — Elder millennial Thomas Sharpe is reportedly in “critical and deteriorating condition” after erroneously believing that his haggard husk of a body could…
They say that home is where you make it, and when I found out that my favorite hometown watering hole was replaced with a Panera…
EUGENE, Ore. — Leo Radler, a bartender at local pub The Swampland, is completely unaware that many of the regular patrons of his place of…
BOSTON – Local beer lover Ryan Kensington fleetingly experienced a sobering thought while in the midst of a bout of heavy drinking, but regrettably had…
SANTA FE, N.M. — Local punk Trevor McGill was shocked but not surprised to find the only existing photo of him not blackout drunk was…
It is the time of year again when my company forces all of its employees to congregate in a cramped conference room where they feed…
LOWELL, Mass. — Sober punk Michael McDuff impressed music fans and mental health professionals alike with his ability to listen to Celtic punk band Dropkick…