Life is great and all, but after 30 years or so of it, a certain apathetic malaise starts to set in. The day-to-day grind starts…
Remember back in 1999? George W. Bush hadn’t become president yet, 9/11 hadn’t happened and the biggest worry on everyone’s mind was something called ‘Y2K,’…
HARTFORD, Conn. — Elder millennial Thomas Sharpe is reportedly in “critical and deteriorating condition” after erroneously believing that his haggard husk of a body could…
The English language is full of words and phrases that many people think sound disgusting. At this point it’s actually become sort of cliche. “Ewww…
Yo dawg, what’s the 411 with the shorties these days? I was just rolling with the homies and spittin’ mad ‘90s slang and these Gen-Z…
The truth is, if you’ve escaped twenty-seven club membership, your chances of aging out of the scene increase exponentially with every year. And it’s a…
ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Marcus Ulrich, the lead singer of local thrash metal band Christknuckle, was reportedly spotted at Walgreens asking employees which black hair dye…
TULSA, Okla. — Local folk singer John “Ramblin’ Gamblin’” Shandling, age 41, took a firm stance against chronic foot pain by scrawling “This Machine Kills…
AKRON, Ohio — Local scene legend and bartender William Lindberg admitted his dreams of retiring in his fifties or sixties depends solely on which of…
AUSTIN, Texas — Aging punk Sean Dennings shocked the local community when he swapped a New Year’s Eve rager for a quiet night at home,…
Old age comes for all skaters. Knees weak from jumping down the four block at the local park, tired livers from drinking Modelos every night…
NEW YORK — A new choose-your-own-adventure horror book intended specifically for individuals in their mid-thirties entitled “Halfway To the Grave” always results in the reader’s…
New York — Local thirty-something punk Charles Murray is unable to settle on an official complaint about this year’s Fest, indecisive sources confirmed. “I go…
CONCORD, N.H. — Local high schooler Colin Black recently expressed interest in learning to skateboard but has serious reservations because of his advanced age, sources…
LAS VEGAS — Increasing demand for Ibuprofen following When We Were Young 2, a festival targeting millennials who desperately want to relive their best years,…