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Review: Black Flag “Damaged”

Each Sunday, The Hard Times looks back on a foundational punk album. This week, we’re examining Henry Rollins’ first jab into the public consciousness, Black Flag’s debut LP “Damaged.”

Knowing that I am a diehard Henry Rollins fan, my editors assigned Black Flag’s first album to me for review. They may not know this, but I actually run some of Twitter’s largest Henry Rollins stan accounts. We Hankies are a very passionate community.

In fact, Hankies are the 79th biggest stan community after Swifties (Taylor Swift), the Beyhive (Beyoncé), the Beahive (Bea Arthur), and a few others. Our ranks grow by one or two with each passing month. Before long, you’ll hear news articles about us harassing music critics and biased journalists attempting to slander Henry for their personal gain. Move over Nikki Minaj’s Barbz, we Hankies are here to stay.

I don’t want to brag, but I actually have a restraining order filed against me by Black Flag’s original vocalist Keith Morris for “repeated death threats” and “rummaging through his trash for blackmail dirt.” Obviously I’m innocent but maybe he’ll think twice before throwing shade toward my Hen-Hen again.

And don’t even get me started on Greg Ginn. He’s always been jealous of Henry’s superior fame and washboard abs. In fact, I’ve never seen Greg shirtless. What are you hiding, Greg? Mushy flab and an inferiority complex? Henry could smoke you in a deadlift competition and you know it.

In all my years as a Hankie, I never got a bigger rush than the fateful day in Spring 2017 when Pitchfork did a “classic” review of Damaged and panned it with a paltry score of 9.2 out of 10. Why didn’t they just film themselves taking a shit on the vinyl instead of writing such a hateful diatribe? The Hankies had a meetup outside Pitchfork’s Chicago headquarters to protest. We stood in solidarity as we hurled anti-Italian epithets at the “journalists” filing in for their shift at the hate factory. I made lifelong relationships that day more important than those of my family, who are “extremely worried about my disturbing behavior.”

Oh wait, I was supposed to write a review, wasn’t I? Yeah everything Henry Rollins touches is perfect.

Score: 5/5 Used Henry Rollins Tissues Retrieved From a Diner Trash Can After He Leaves