15. Philadelphia Collins
Being the owner of the Dirty Burger may automatically put him in the capitalist class, and his gut size demonstrates the division between labor and capital since the Bourgeois always get the spoils of labor. However, he is a demonstrable ally on many occasions, putting on events and showing concern for his fellow residents, proving that he is a provider for all. And boy are those burgers greeaaasssyyy.
14. Jim Lahey
While at first he has all the makings of a traitor, being a former cop, authority figure and all around buzzkill, being more liquor than man and at points, full on liquor. But Officer Lahey has shown to genuinely care for the community, making an effort to provide everyone with a safe, stable environment where everyone can live and hopefully co-operate in peace, fostering the necessary conditions for community organization, both on and off screen since John Dunsworth (RIP King) campaigned for Canada’s once socialist NDP.
13. Ray LaFleur
The man in the chair is willing to screw over the welfare state, his own son, will spend your three 20s on VLTs and lot lizards, and will hand you a half-drunk beer to refresh himself, so he is clearly a dump on the community. So much so that it led him to exile in an actual dump…in Florida, which is a hotbed for the Radical Right at this point. But his keen Calvinism and knowledge of how to manipulate the legal system to your benefit makes him a valuable ally at times, and a hindrance at others.
12. Julian
The Muscley Mayor of Con College, this man is to rum and coke what Lemmy was to Jack and Coke, and the drink should be renamed accordingly. But I digress, Julian does care deeply for his community, even if he is a selfish, sexy bastard. He even put down his rum and coke when it meant saving the life of one of the local oafs, and is a great communicator and planner, even if he is selfish sometimes.
11. Sarah
Devilishly devious, Sarah has always been on the right side of Sunnyvale, with her services and enterprises providing goods and services to the members of the park. While some would see her as taking advantage of the park, she invests her money back into the community, plus she often takes care of Trinity, which is unpaid labor easing the strain on Ricky and Lucy.
10. Sebastian Bach
How the fuck are we doing Hard Times Readers! Yeah! Sebastian Bach, everyone’s favorite washed-up rockstar turned train enthusiast may seem like a high and mighty rockstar, but over the course of season 7, it’s crystal clear that his heart never left the park. Willing to make a genius trade via the Swayze Express, this man did wonders for his community by providing the essentials. But he did make some decent profits by using shady businessmen, so he ranks no higher.
9. Randy Bobandy
A sex worker by trade, glutton by choice, and the most iconic man without a shirt outside of Matt Pike, Randy would be down with multiple types of community action if you know what I mean. From his Dairy Queen special, assistance with the Dirty Burger and his legendary jumping of said Burger, Mr. Bobandy sure is Randy with the people. He also rejects the notion of class discrimination, choosing to be happy mowing lawns baked out of his goddamn mind. A win for everyone involved.
8. Rita MacNeil
Legendary Canadian folk singer Rita MacNeil (RIP) and her band have been the soundtrack for working Canadians for decades. And hell, they even helped the boys harvest their dope plants around season 6, while gifting her with a stellar performance on the part of her and her band (even if it was at gunpoint). We’d happily share a six-paper joint with her, and it would still not be a big enough joint there for them, Rick.
7. Donnie
CAN WE STOP WITH ALL THE PETTY BICKERING. WE NEED TO UNITE TO SEIZE WHAT LITTLE WE HAVE IN ORDER TO TAKE BACK OUR POWER AND BETTER OUR COMMUNITY SO I DON’T HAVE TO YELL EVERY TIME SOMETHING HAPPENS IN THE PARK. FUUUCCCKKKK!!!!!
6. Steve French
Steve French is a kitty of connection, despite not ever having read theory due to being a mountain lion. When separated from his mate, he went on a wild adventure to Sunnyvale, indulging in what he thought was communal weed and Viagra burgers, and causing all sorts of havoc throughout the park. And through this adventure, Steve French was thoroughly educated on the benefits of community care via weed burritos and maritime hospitality, so much so that he was already a member of the community by the time of his departure. That’s a good, big ol’ stoned kitty with the munchies.
5. Shitty
Always there to help out, for a price, Shitty is the guy you call when you are in trouble and need some quick assistance. Bowel issues aside, this guy is the shit and whether or not he has read any theory, his proven practicality has proven that he is for the peeps. Just don’t call him shitty Bill.
4. T
Hype man of J Roc, and just as much of a G, T provides much of the brains to the Rocpile, demonstrated by his operation of the local electronic store after J Roc departed the park to tour with Detriot Velvet Smooth. Bookkeeping is key to resource management, and resource management is key to a thriving community, and community is tight. Tis’Aight.
3. Ricky LaFleur
Ricky is the man and it doesn’t take rocket appliances to see that. A caring father, expert farmer, and staunch anti-capitalist (we don’t work Julian, you know that). Yeah he may remarket a few barbecues, but it’s all to support his family and community, while being more than nurturing towards his kin. Even in jail, he has a way of looking out for the other inmates, and through being self-smarted, Ricky also grows the best dope in all the land, and which we at the Hard Times know is just excellent.
2. J-Roc
J to the ROC aka the Microphone Assassin, one of the best rappers to emerge from Canada is all about the park. This mawfucka knows it’s all for one and one for all in the park, and while operating a medium-sized business, with assistance from T and the Rocpile, he invests it all into the park. He even provided the essentials by ganking groceries Gnomesayin’, cause feeding your community regardless of income is tight. A proponent of change, but just don’t catch him getting changed.
1. Bubbles
The most well-read in the park, Bubbles understands class on both a theoretical and practical level. Equally at home quoting Marx as he is at making sure everyone is happy, Bubbles is the best friend everyone wished they had, and a cat lover to boot. He is also handy and creative, so when the revolution comes, you definitely want him on your side. With brawn and brain, there is no way to stop the Green Bastard from bringing revolution and shaking off your chains.
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