So you’ve decided today is the day you knock off your neighborhood pawn shop in order to repay some debts you accrued while in prison. You’re going to need the help of your handsome neighbor (who is trying to bang your wife by the way) and you’re going to need the right tunes to get you excited. We have good news, they basically made a movie about this exact scenario, and that movie has a complete soundtrack we plan on ranking so you know which song to play right before you start busting some heads.
19. Cliff Martinez “Wrong Floor”
If this song gets you excited for armed robbery then you are far more psychotic than you realize. This sounds like the music they play in the lobby of some new-age place where you pay $65 for some hippie to put warm rocks on the back of your knees.
18. Cliff Martinez “I Drive”
Wait a second, this is basically the same exact song as before. This is not what you need right now. Fight the urge to fall asleep, take some of those pills you bought off that trucker last year and see if they get your heart racing, because this is a snoozer.
17. Cliff Martinez “He Had a Good Time”
Remember last year when the guys on the job site dared you to jump from the third floor of a building into a dumpster full of cardboard? You turned “Ride the Lightning” up to full blast and jumped. Yeah, you hurt your back, got addicted to painkillers, and now your life is screwed, but you need to return to that level of energy, not this somber background music.
16. Cliff Martinez “Where’s the Deluxe Version”
Hey Cliff, more like “Where the fuck is the fucking guitar?” Am I right? I’m starting to think this Cliff Martinez guy just sits at a keyboard all day thinking to himself “How can I write a song so boring that it makes you fall into a coma?” Mission accomplished. Not a single armed robbery has ever occurred while listening to this song.
15. Riz Ortolani “Oh My Love” feat. Katyna Ranieri
Ok, at least this song has lyrics, the problem is that this song seems like something a cartoon Ladybug would sing to a flower in a Disney movie from the 1940s. What we need right now is a song from one of the wolves inside of you sung to the other wolf inside of you about how much society sucks.
14. Cliff Martinez “See You in Four”
Nothing about this song makes me want to rob a business. You couldn’t even rob a liquor store to this song. Imagine you’re inside, screaming “Get down, get down, or I’ll blow your head off!” while this music played in the background. That’s unhinged behavior my friend.
13. Cliff Martinez “On the Beach”
I keep having to turn this song up louder and louder to even know it’s playing. If you are about to rob a pawn shop then chances are you were at Woodstock ‘99 and chances are you stood right in front of the speakers when Korn was playing, you’re hearing doesn’t recover from that so this song barely registers.
12. Cliff Martinez “Kick Your Teeth”
Judging by the song title, this should be akin to Limp Bizkit circa 2003. But unfortunately, Cliff Martinez doesn’t seem to write music for people who were dishonorably discharged from the Army for assaulting a caterer at a Christmas party. We could really use some Durst energy right about now.
11. Cliff Martinez “My Name on a Car”
I’m starting to think Cliff Martinez doesn’t know how to party. If he came to your party and someone said “Hey Cliff, play us something on the keyboard” you would want something that rocks, if he played this everyone would be like “Keep your cocaine, I’m going to make it an early night.”
10. Cliff Martinez “They Broke His Pelvis”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me for thinking ol’ Cliff would surprise me. If you told me you’re listening to a song called “They Broke His Pelvis” I’d assume it’s a song about a guy jumping the barrier at a Pantera concert and security putting the boots to him, instead we get audible Ambien.
9. Cliff Martinez “Rubber Head”
Remember when you stayed at that fancy hotel because you just won a settlement from Arby’s because you found a huge clump of hair in your roast beef sandwich? This was a lot like the music from the pornography pay per view screen. Simpler times.
8. Cliff Martinez “Skull Crushing”
If I ever see Cliff Martinez on the street I’m going to beat the crap out of him and his entire family. When Devourment wrote “Baby Killer” did they play a soft little ambient song with no lyrics? No, it was heavy and it was about killing babies. Cliff seems to take skull-crushing very lightly, and that’s a problem for me.
7. Cliff Martinez “After the Chase”
This song starts off heavier than any song before it, so for a brief shining instant you might think it’s time to kick in the door of the pawn shop, break the jaw of the guy behind the counter with your gun, and load your Jansport full of cash. But, then the song turns into another wimpy effort.
6. Cliff Martinez “Hammer”
I owe everyone reading this an apology. Based on the premise of the movie I thought this soundtrack would rock as hard as Oz Fest 2005. But not once have any of us been rocked. “Hammer” builds to something that almost resembles rocking and then cuts off. I’ve never been more upset in my life.
5. Cliff Martinez “Bride of Deluxe”
Holy crap, I think this song has a guitar in it. And it sort of has a fast tempo. With the right cocktail of alcohol and prescription medications you could get messed up enough to actually pull this off. But if you miscalculate the cocktail you might just end up dancing in the parking lot until the cops come.
4. Desire “Under Your Spell”
Ok, no more Cliff Martinez from here on out, unfortunately things don’t get much better. If you were hoping for blistering guitar, double bass, and growling vocals then this song isn’t for you. I’m pretty sure this was the song that was playing in American Apparel when you tried robbing that place in 2010
3. College “A Real Hero” feat. Electric Youth
Rounding into the top three and not a single note of this song should make you want to commit armed robbery. If anything it’s more likely you will end up texting your ex, finding out she’s married now. She has kids, she seems happy. You should let her go, you have more important things to focus on right now.
2. Chromatics “Tick of the Clock’
In all reality this just sounds like Cliff Martinez drank a strong cup of coffee and wrote a song in 15 minutes. This is only at number two because there isn’t a single Hatebreed song on this soundtrack. Why is that? Would it kill them to add a little Hatebreed?
1. Lovefoxxx, Kavinsky “Nightcall”
The only, and I mean only, reason this is number one is because a wolf howls at the beginning of the song. And you my friend are an alpha male, an apex predator, a man with nothing to lose. It’s time to stop sitting around thinking about it. Go rob this pawn shop, maybe they will have a few Slayer CDs for sale in there you can listen to after to wash the taste of the “Drive” soundtrack out of your mouth. That is if you survive of course.