RFK Jr. Recommends Children Smoke No More Than Two Cigarettes a Day
WASHINGTON — Robert F. Kennedy Jr. revised the recommended amount of cigarettes children should smoke daily from zero to no more than two, confirmed sources who encourage parents to moderate their children’s cigarette intake rather than com…
Do You Have a Gambling Problem? Good — Guest Article by Draftkings
Here at DraftKings, we strive to provide a safe and fun environment for all your sports betting needs. But like anything in life, throwing your… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
JD Vance Relieved To Learn Couch Unharmed After Home Vandalization
Loudwire Ranks Mushroomhead Best Nu-Metal Band Named After the Tip of a Penis
WINDSOR, Colo. — Online media magazine Loudwire anointed Cleveland’s Mushroomhead as the best nu-metal band named after the tip of a penis, sources report. “We… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue this tale</a>
Everyone at Coffee Shop Falls for Each Other After ‘Fade Into You’ Plays
BURLINGTON, Vt. — Patrons at a local coffee shop reportedly became infatuated with one another after Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You” played over the shop… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Trump Is Boasting About an Alleged Land Strike in Venezuela — Here’s Why He Is Still a Pedophile
ICE Accidentally Sends Maduro Back to Venezuela
WASHINGTON — In a stunning instance of miscommunication between departments, ICE agents have deported Venezuelan dictator Nicolás Maduro back to Venezuela just hours after he… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
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Music
Aging Goregrind Band Now Just Taking Lyrical Inspiration From the Changes Naturally Occurring in Their Own Bodies
FORT MYERS, Fla. — Goregrind band Masticated Genitalia found themselves deriving inspiration from transformations they observed in their own bodies as they got older, sources report.“When we got started in the early 2000s, I was using an old medical textbook…
Punk Hibachi Chef Throws Cigarette Butts Into Patrons Mouths
BOSTON — Local punk hibachi chef Joey “Skunk” Robins reportedly hucks cigarette butts into the…
Baby Saves Marriage, Kills Band
FAIRHAVEN, Mass. — A new baby daughter helped local couple Ben and Hannah Brenner reconnect,…
Guy in Motörhead Shirt Sick of People Asking Him To Change Their Carburetors
LAKE FOREST, Ill. — Metalhead Darryl Washburn found himself getting exhausted by the constant requests…
Experts Warn Resurgence of Nu-Metal Could Be a Precursor to Another Swing Revival
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Experts at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research have…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…