Hegseth Prays for Blessing From Boondock Saints
WASHINGTON — In light of mounting pressure from several global conflicts, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth led top Pentagon officials in prayer seeking blessings from The Boondock Saints, Pentagon insiders confirm. “Alright, I’m g…
Has Technology Gone Too Far? AI Just Came for This Guy’s Job as Well as His Wife, Kids, and Assets
First, it came for Aaron Blake’s software developer job. Then it confiscated his wife and children. And if that wasn’t enough, AI just came for… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Mom Gently Explains to Son Tooth Fairy Is Just Metaphor for How State Extracts Value From Your Body
Rattail Artfully Tucked Into Collar for Interview
PORTLAND, Ore. — Prospective job candidate Colin Hartnell artfully tucked his lustrous rattail beneath his shirt collar before his first interview at Fred Meyers, a… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Mamdani’s Luxury Property Tax Forcing More Billionaires To Choose Between Clone Organ Harvesting or Private Gladiatorial Arenas
NEW YORK — NYC’s wealthiest property owners are expressing growing concern today as Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s new pied-à-terre tax is forcing more of them to… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
L’Oreal to Only Test Makeup on the Ugly Rabbits That Need It
Trump to Guest Star on Upcoming Episode of “The Pitt”
BURBANK, Calif — President and part-time actor Donald Trump will make a guest appearance on an upcoming episode of medical drama “The Pitt”, according to… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Music
Venue Changes Name, Owner, Staff Mid-Show
MILWAUKEE, Wis. — Attendees of a local punk show were left confused and disoriented after the venue changed its name, owner, and entire staff halfway through the opening band’s set, sources inside the building have confirmed. “I think I’m having…
Dive Bar Unveils Safe Haven Drop Box for Unwanted Bassists
YUMA, Ariz. — Local dive bar The Rusty Splinter announced a new program to accept…
Mega Man Gains Ability To Rap After Defeating Method Man
STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. — Local video game protagonist Mega Man gained the ability to rap…
Trust Fund Hipsters Return To Ancestral Coachella Grounds to Mate
INDIO, Cali. – As the sun broke over the mountains of the Coachella Valley this…
12-Year-Old Audiophile Insists Weird Al Sounds 'Warmer' On Vinyl
ALBUQUERQUE — Local 12-year-old audiophile Jimmy Johanson reportedly insists that famed accordion virtuoso “Weird Al”…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…