Trump Offers Ambassadorship Position to Security Guard Who Licks Sarah Connor’s Face in ‘Terminator 2: Judgment Day’
LOS ANGELES — President Donald Trump offered the position of Ambassador to Paraguay to Douglas Smith, the security guard seen licking Sarah Connor’s face as she lay strapped to a bed in 1992’s “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” disgusted sources…
Safe Space: This Support Group Helps Men In Their 40s Accept That They’ll Never Host MST3K
Every man — literally every single male-identifying person on God’s green earth — has at some point in their life fantasized about being the host… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
How To Determine Your Self-Worth by Checking How Many of Your Instagram Friends Are Tied to Semi-Well-Known Public Figures
Icy Sidewalk Causing Involuntary Skanking
SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Several winter storms and record low temps are causing city sidewalks to be nearly impassable by pedestrians without flailing in a way… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
William H. Macy Insists Way More People Would Have Died on 9/11 if He Had Been on That Plane
LOS ANGELES — Actor William H. Macy insisted that, unlike his “Boogie Nights” costar Mark Wahlberg, had he been aboard one of the hijacked planes… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Man Breaks World Record for Most Failed Attempts at ‘The Artist’s Way’
Warped Tour Releases 2026 Lineup With Redacted Names To Protect Victims
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The eagerly anticipated 2026 lineup for Warped Tour was released with a number of the band names redacted to protect victims,… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read more nonsense</a>
Music
Mirror in Venue Bathroom Fucking Useless
LONG BEACH, Calif. — The mirror in the men’s bathroom of local venue Harlux is absolutely fucking useless, sources with arguably washed hands confirmed. “Jeez, where do I start?” began patron Graham Frazer while washing his hands in the toilet…
Billy Joel Reveals ‘Piano Man’ Is About a Revolting, Cronenberg-Esque Piano-Human Hybrid Driven by Primitive, Uncontrollable Impulses
CENTRE ISLAND, N.Y. — Popular singer/songwriter Billy Joel revealed that his 1973 hit “Piano Man”…
Icy Sidewalk Causing Involuntary Skanking
SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Several winter storms and record low temps are causing city sidewalks to…
Aging Punk Woman Solemnly Vows to Reject the Siren’s Call of Rockabilly
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Nearly 40-year-old punk woman Allie Gerard recently made a solemn vow to…
Five Finger Death Punch Slated To Play University of Phoenix Commencement Ceremony
PHOENIX — American metal band Five Finger Death Punch is tapped to perform at this…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…