In Response to Trump’s Tasteless Meme, We Put His Face on the Body of a Known Rapist and Pedophile
It’s a sad state of affairs that we’ve all just gotten used to childish, wildly inappropriate behavior from our own president. He shares AI slop, calls reporters pigs, says a million things a day that undermine the dignity of the office, an…
Ice Agent Tries to Deport His Doctor During Open Heart Surgery
MINNEAPOLIS — An ICE agent being treated at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis recently attempted to deport the doctor performing his open heart surgery, confirmed… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Opinion: I’m Not Bad at Remembering Names, You’re Bad at Being Memorable
Report: Crowd Surfer Hard
BALTIMORE — A crowd surfer during a Cannibal Corpse show at Soundstage weirded out other concert attendees with his fully engorged penis, shuddering sources confirm…. <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Get the full story</a>
The Next Clark Kent/Superman? We’ve Never Seen Ice and the Proud Boys at the Same Place at the Same Time
Look, I’m no detective. I lack the intelligence, training, qualifications, and decency to perform such a job — much like an ICE agent — I’m… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Read the full masterpiece</a>
Kristi Noem Announces Alternative Puppy Bowl
Alice in Chains Album Buried in Pet Sematary Emerges as Godsmack Album
LUDLOW, Maine — A copy of Alice in Chains’ 1992 LP “Dirt” buried in the Mi’kmaq grounds behind Ludlow’s famed Pet Sematary emerged as a… <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/" class="font-medium" style="color: #3eb565;" onmouseover="this.style.color='#35a058'" onmouseout="this.style.color='#3eb565'">Continue reading this gem</a>
Music
Suicidal Tendencies’ Mike Muir Now Sporting Full-Body Bandana
VENICE, Calif. — Mike Muir, singer for thrash-punk band Suicidal Tendencies, appeared onstage wearing a bandana large enough to cover his entire body, according to stunned concertgoers. “If I’m known for anything, it’s my enormous bandanas,” said Muir while sipping…
Report: Crowd Surfer Hard
BALTIMORE — A crowd surfer during a Cannibal Corpse show at Soundstage weirded out other…
Metal Band Debating Whether They Should Completely Fucking Ruin Their Music by Adding a Keyboardist
EUGENE, Ore. — Up-and-coming metal band Enrager found themselves considering whether they should completely fucking…
Ticketmaster Adds Extra Charge if Artists Play Their Hits
LOS ANGELES — Ticketmaster announced a new policy where they will charge customers an extra…
Fog Machine Successfully Obscures Bassist
BANGOR, Maine — Members of death metal band Rhino Sphincter expressed relief that the fog…
Featured Posts
The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”
Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately,…
“Our Story” Section of Wedding Website Doubles as Historical Fiction
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Avid readers of TheKnot.com report that a couple’s “Our Story” section on their personal wedding website, where…
Democrats Placated By Decision to Rename Alligator Alcatraz the “Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Detention Facility”
WASHINGTON — Congressional Democrats achieved “yet another satisfying moral victory” against the GOP by convincing their Republican counterparts to rename…
Opinion: I Have a Substack Because I’m an Expert, and I’m an Expert Because I Have a Substack
If you’re looking for true expertise, then look no further than Substack. I know this because I have my own…