WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced plans to cut much needed mental health funds for America’s clown posses, confirmed dope-ass sources. “They’ve been stealing our…
WINDSOR, Conn — Local terrible cousin Terry Reynolds made everyone uncomfortable at his family’s annual Memorial Day BBQ by loudly declaring that “Woke is dead!”…
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth delivered a special Memorial Day message to a covert unit of Marine operatives stationed at classified coordinates in…
SPRINGFIELD, Va. — Local Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) representative Luther Sacristan Diaz confirmed that Elon Musk’s rampant ketamine habit is still the single most effective…
OK, let me make myself exceedingly clear on one thing: I always do the necessary amount of research before I buy anything, be it a…
CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local bar Shooter’s last night, sources…
It’s been another tough week. You’re technically seven days older, though given the current stress of our political and economic climate, scientifically speaking, you have…
WASHINGTON — Popular YouTube children’s entertainer Ms. Rachel sparked backlash from pro-life right-wing commentators for her brave stance against ongoing infanticide in Gaza, confirmed sources.…
These days, it’s important for us to find ways to earn a living however we can. Rising costs due to inflation and tariffs can be…
MARSHALL, Minn. — Slovenly and unkempt metalhead Freddy Clark somehow sported the most beautiful head of hair you’d ever encountered, befuddled sources report. “I grew…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Administrators at Harvard University are currently reaching out to everyone in their network and asking if anyone knows a good lawyer who…
BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Members of legendary New York Hardcore bands Malicious Destruction, Malfeasance, and Genghis debuted music from their new “supergroup” called Sealegs, confirmed multiple…
In trying times, nothing feels better than an uplifting story that renews our faith. In Raleigh, North Carolina tragedy became a triumph this week when…
CHICAGO — Local 42-year-old man Marshall Reese is descending into a nightmarish, unending spiral of increasingly comforting sleepytime teas, unable to prevent himself from sinking…
Help! I Read the Comments Section, and Now I’m Researching Charlemagne’s Military Tactics on Wikipedia So I Can Win an Argument With a Complete Stranger About Red 40
They say that “no good deed goes unpunished,” but I have another platitude to add to the mix: “no read comment goes unargued.” It all…