LOS ANGELES — Ethically non-monogamous couples around the world announced today that open relationships will be closed indefinitely to help ensure social distancing in response…
FLAVORTOWN — Celebrity chef and T.V. personality Guy Fieri was placed under unexpected quarantine due to the coronavirus after arriving in Flavortown this week, bomb-ass…
ATLANTA — Musician, comedian, and actor Donald Glover released a vaccine he created for COVID-19 on his website donaldpresentsthecure.com at 4 a.m. this morning and…
BOSTON — Local woman Farrah Johanson assured anyone who would listen yet again today that she is masturbating just as much as her male friends…
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of Commerce issued a concerning report this morning, finding that 78% of American corporations are barely scraping by and living…
PLAINVIEW, N.Y. — 16-year-old Misty Lebowitz carelessly endangered her much, much older and immunocompromised pop-punk singer boyfriend Scotty McDickers yesterday when she defied New York’s…
NEW YORK — National Guard Troops apprehended Iowa native and big-hearted dreamer Elieen Denham yesterday, dive-tackling her in front of Radio City Music Hall in…
Our nation is facing the great task of slowing the spread of coronavirus, and many Americans are frightened. Why, I spoke to a man this…
MIAMI — Proto-punk legend Iggy Pop removed the torso section from his hazmat suit yesterday, designed to protect the aging rocker from contracting COVID-19, concerned…
Audience Shocked after “Masked Singer” Revealed to be Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan
Audience Shocked after “Masked Singer” Revealed to be Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan
LOS ANGELES — “The Masked Singer” fans were shocked last night when the sassy, playful, incognito contestant Mr. Monster was revealed to be former Chairman…
LOS ANGELES — Quarantined Los Angelino Freddy Garcia has spent a majority of his COVID-19 isolation time pleasuring himself to the unusually green Google Maps…
PHILADELPHIA — Outspoken supporters of Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden, known as “Biden Bros,” are reportedly harassing potential voters via handwritten letters sent through the…
AUSTIN, Texas — Social media marketing manager Anthony Skipper forwarded a complaint about his tortimese housecat Nickels moments ago to his HR rep, Sassafras, who…
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — The cam girl you’ve been throwing money at when you should have been working from home is “probably about $1,000 or…
BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — A heavily discounted DVD of the Steve Carell vehicle “Evan Almighty” is “really fucking pushing it” by having the audacity to call…