Well, well, look who decided to finally call! Oh yes, I’m sure you’ve been very busy. Of course I’m being sarcastic, you think I don’t see how much time you’re spending on TikTok? I’m the one paying your phone bill! Anyway, I noticed it’s been a while since you mentioned sending Black Widow fanart to Scarlett Johansson and I’m not going to lie, honey, this is getting exhausting. Why can’t you just have a parasocial relationship with a nice Jewish girl for a change?
Honey, I’m worried about you. Are you still not over Community ending? Sweetie, you need to get over Allison Brie. Annie Edison isn’t coming back. Your cousin Ester comments on every single one of Paul Rudd’s Instagram posts and he liked two of them. She’s bound to get invited to a red carpet event with him one of these days. Why can’t you be more like her?
After all these years you tell me you won’t even use a filter to mash up your face and Natalie Portman’s to make me an AI grandchild? If I go to the grave without becoming a e-bubbe, you’re out of the will. Your father would be rolling in his grave if he was dead.
What about Anna Tendler? I know she’s definitely single and she’s an artist! So what if you’re not as funny as John Mulaney? You’re a heck of a lot nicer. You know now that I think about it, she’s too good for you. Forget I said anything.
I got it! My coworker’s daughter is mutuals with the Haim sisters. She’ll send you their Instagrams. Isn’t one of them a movie star now? I’m sure you can find out where she’s filming. Just Photoshop yourself onto the set and stop embarrassing this family.