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Opinion: Just Because My Instagram Bio Says I’m a “Witch Bitch” Doesn’t Mean I Know Anything About the Occult

Hi there, friendly reminder to my little coven of followers — just because I’m completely committed to using witchy aesthetics as part of a personal brand doesn’t mean that I actually know fuck-all about this stuff.

I know that may be surprising. I certainly look the part of an Instagram witch and trust me, I’ve spent hours making sure that every post, selfie, and story are meticulously crafted with this image in mind. I need my followers to implicitly be influenced to purchase $42 fluorite towers from my pop-up shop in order to pay the rent, and the best way to do that is go all-out on the whole witch-bitch-girl-boss thing. What I don’t need is incessant comments asking for advice or basic facts about my so-called lifestyle.

People keep DMing me with questions about contemporary witchcraft practices, and I’m like, why would you guys assume I’m some kind of expert? Is it because I’ve carefully curated an online persona in line with currently popular new-age trends, because if so, that’s so lame of you to put me in this position.

I’m just a humble twenty-something queer activist who will do whatever it takes to get my engagement up, not some ancestral practitioner of any kind of occult rituals.

It must be the crystal ball, female mage, and bat emojis in my bio that are driving people to make the outrageous claims that I’m anything resembling a reliable source for Pagans, Wiccans, and whatever the third one of those sects is. Is it not clear enough that my half-assed TikToks of me lighting herb bundles on fire with a heavy vintage filter are nothing more than attention grabs for clout and profit?

I’m not sure what I should be doing to make you understand that I’m in this for the money. I’ve literally made Reels showing you how to do a money spell that I directly stole from someone else’s Reel, and you can buy the kit with all the necessary supplies right in my Etsy shop.

Please, I’m asking nicely. I’m being reasonable. Leave me alone, and by alone I mean don’t ask anything that I can’t instantly answer with either “google it bestie” or “I’m not here to educate you.”

By all means though, keep up the likes and shares, my sisters of darkness! It’s just us humble girls, gays, and theys out here fighting the patriarchy, one monetized video at a time!