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Opinion: It’s Time for My Nipples to Stop Being so Dang Hard All the Time

That’s right, you read that headline correctly. I’m not afraid to speak out on the real issues facing our planet. Never in the course of human history have we faced an existential crisis so dangerous to our very survival. It’s time to stop playing around and tackle it head on.

It’s time to ask; why are my nipples so gosh dang hard all of the time?

I’ve had the heat on for nearly two weeks straight but the gruesome twosome here on my chest just will not calm down. Is this like a medical thing? Should I be worried?

I’m not using the word “hard” lightly here. These are some genuine Mississippi glass cutters. I’ve never seen anything so angry before. It’s like they’re trying to rip themselves off of my chest so that they can enact revenge on who or whatever wronged them.

This is not a sex thing. Quite the opposite actually. I’ve been avoiding my wife nearly all the time so that I don’t impale her with these ferocious little rage mountains.

I feel more like a worried parent than anything else. How can I rest easy when Riggs and Murtaugh are so hot and bothered every flippin moment? I miss the old days when they were just a couple of care-free pepperonis.

Yes I named my nipples. What are you, a cop?

I hope this doesn’t hurt my congressional campaign. Did I mention that I’m running for congress? I guess I’m not cut out for it considering I can’t even reign in my own male mammaries. Ain’t this just a real kick in the pants, huh?

In conclusion, golly do these center-mass morning glories have some fight in em’. I guess maybe it is getting colder out but that doesn’t seem like the case. Maybe I’m patient zero for a new “angry nipple disease.”