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Opinion: I’m Not Like Those Gun Toting Militia Maniacs, I’m Just in This Forest Preserve to Suck off Some Strangers

The other day I’m down in Pioneer Forest Preserve minding my own business, doing my thing. Next thing you know this family comes up to me, complaining that I’m not wearing a mask or respecting proper social distancing guidelines and so on and so forth. The mom in particular was really full of beans, saying I’m some sort of gun-totin’ militia fella. Now, I’m a reasonable guy. I’m not one of those weirdos hauling a machine gun around demanding that I be allowed to go to BoRicks or eat inside a Cold Stone Creamery or anything. But at the same time, I’m a realist. Sometimes a mask isn’t appropriate. Sometimes circumstances dictate that social distancing just won’t work, and when I’m down here trying to suck off a bunch of random dudes, I’m really not looking for a lecture, lady.

No offense, but I wouldn’t be caught dead in a militia. I might be caught sucking off a militia, but that depends on how fast Ranger Kevin can comb the forest.

Most sensible information about the transmissibility of COVID seems to indicate that outdoor activity is one of the safer options. Even if you get good and sweaty and really worked up and turgid and throbbing, for example, the simple fact that you’re not in an enclosed space, where droplets can collect and become trapped in proximity reduces the risk of infection quite a bit. Not to mention, I can’t exactly suck these dicks with a mask on or from any sort of “socially responsible” distance and, frankly, I’m starting to wonder what hidden agenda that family had. These militia guys might be on to something with their conspiracies. I don’t get into politics though. I’m just here for the anonymous loads.

People see things too often in black and white. There’s a way to choke down a fat stack of random schlongs that is socially responsible and there’s a way to do it that’s so discourteous it borders on being offensive. I stick to the former. The only things I want to see in black and white are the nameless dongs in my face. I don’t want that message to get lost.

Look, we all want to get back to normal, but escalating conflict in public spaces only trips everyone’s panic sensors and makes for further division. What we need now, more than ever, is to take a responsible, socially distanced, but unified, stand against the proliferation of this horrible virus. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go back to sucking these dicks.

 
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