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Opinion: I’ll Fight in the Class War for Whichever Side Pays Me More

The wealth divide in modern society is so deep that a clash between the haves and the have-nots is inevitable. And I am ready to take up arms myself. I just can’t choose which side to fight for!

So after some deep contemplation, I’ve decided that my allegiances will lie with whatever side can shell out more scratch for my mercenary abilities.

Now I know you’re all thinking that means I’m joining Team Richie Rich. Not necessarily! While rich people love shuffling money around amongst themselves, the 1% are surprisingly stingy when it comes to sharing money with anyone perceived as lower class than them. It’s how they get and stay wealthy in the first place. So I’m raising my fees considerably for their side: I’ll need a cool nine million dollars from these capitalist pigfucks.

There’s also the cool factor. Rich people are not cool. The moment you become rich, you lose the ability to create any decent art, music, stories, or parties. Rich people parties are all about sipping a 2019 Cabernet Sauvignon and trying to make eye contact with the most famous person in the room while new Maroon 5 songs play lightly in the background. It fucking sucks. I rather play quarters in a basement while blasting Strike Anywhere with the homies any day.

So that brings us to The Poors™️. While my heart generally lies with them, my wallet does not. I got bills, motherfucker! To scrounge up enough couch coinage to hire me, these destitute saps will probably have to create some miserable GoFundMe campaign or start sharing a Venmo QR code around Twitter like I’m some broke webcomic artist who got kicked out of my parents’ basement. Really pathetic stuff.

But The Poors™️ are way more fun. They have the music, they have the parties, and they know how to shotgun a beer without being all goddamn dainty about it. Tell me which sounds more satisfying—conspiring to raise interest rates to keep the majority subjugated, or throwing a brick through the drive-thru window of a Chase Bank? The latter, no contest.

So I’m taking offers now— let’s get this revolutionary show on the road and start cracking skulls. Or raising bank overdraft fees, either/or.