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Opinion: I Hate 311 for Making Me Like 311

I hate 311. They are my nemesis. Why, you ask? Because they committed the worst crime of all. Something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. They made me like 311.

Not even Nickelback would stoop so low.

Let me walk something back. I don’t like 311. I LOVE 311. I have loved 311 since I was a small child and heard the sweet sounds of slap bass, reggae grooves, and, of course, rap/rock vocals. And ever since I’ve been ridiculed mercilessly every time I admit any of that. I love 311. And, therefore, I hate myself.

More-so, I hate them. Do you think the members of 311 have any idea what it’s like to admit to liking 311? Of course they don’t! Why would they? They listen to good music. Just look at their stated influences: The Clash, Bad Brains, Helmet, Led Zeppelin. They have great taste! It’s even incorporated into their music, which is such an insidious way to lure in innocent victims like myself.

How could this have happened? I spent my whole adolescence hating meathead jocks and spoiled cheerleaders, and that’s their whole fan-base! Being associated with a bunch of jeep-driving, tribal tattoo-having, post-college bros is embarrassing. Try admitting you like 311 in public. Juggalos will laugh at you. Yet every time I go to a 311 show, these trad-life jocks welcome me with open arms and potent weed! Why can’t they be the assholes I wish they were?!

I’m not here to debate if 311 rules. 311 rules. That’s a fact. I’m here to plead with the puppet-masters, themselves. So to Nick, Chad, Tim, Doug, and Aaron (that’s right, I’m real-naming you, P-nut), please, for the sake of all your fans: Please stop making us like you.

Please stop consistently cranking out timeless, summer jams perfect for outdoor amphitheater shows and conveniently scheduled for a late Spring release. Please stop promoting progressive political and social views years before it was trendy. All you’re doing is making it harder for regular people to walk around and live their lives without having to admit, even if it’s only to themselves, that they are a 311 fan. So many already have to bear this burden. Please, do us right. Don’t let us down.