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I’m Willing to Support Capitalism If It Means Same-Day Shipping

I am not the enemy. I think the system fucking stinks! Yeah, I said it. On Twitter AND Instagram. You should see how many rose emoji’s I have in my handle. Okay, now that I’ve proven myself, how great is same day shipping??? It’s literally life changing because now I’m super down with all the ills of capitalism if it means I can get make up, pop tarts, and a replacement Roku remote delivered to my door by the time my laundry is done.

Before you call me an asshole, you should know I identify socially as woke but fiscally as an asshole. You know you like this shirt I’m wearing that says “Let’s Unionize.” Well guess what? I ordered it five hours ago and it still came in time for the rally. Sure, thanks to my order it will be harder for the workers who sent this shirt across three time zones in one morning to unionize, but how else will everyone know my stance on the matter? By making a fucking sign? That’s pretty 2016 and I’d still have to choose same-day shipping on art supplies.

I don’t enjoy supporting the beast that is capitalism. But without same day shipping I’d be a real mess. Sometimes the stress of what capitalism is doing to our country makes me pretty anxious. Well thanks to same day shipping, I can order CBD oil to my door anytime I’m feeling nervous! This particularly works well with the shame-cycle that occurs once the product is delivered and I’m reminded of how capitalism is crippling our world. Thanks, Mr. Bezos!

Capitalism is all about risk versus reward and same-day shipping is a pretty huge fucking reward. Now that everything’s being delivered to me, I have ample time to go out and support my local bookstore. Plus, I have more space in my schedule to raise awareness on social media about the devastating Australian wildfires. Speaking of, isn’t that shit just so sad? I wish there was a way to stop it.