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If We Cancel Joe Rogan, What Am I Gonna Listen to During Sex If I Ever Have It

Joe Rogan is in danger of being canceled and we cannot let this happen. Canceling a voice like Joe Rogan’s is a slippery slope to restricting the rights of all Americans. How will we express our First Amendment right to free speech if those who do are canceled? How will we preserve our right to a fair trial when our guilt is determined before one even starts? Most importantly, how will my future lover lay me down and sensually, but gently, take my virginity in a bed of rose petals, while the most sensual of all podcasts is playing in the background if it no longer exists.

God, I’m gettin’ so horned up thinking about Joe just talkin’ it out.

Remember the episode of him talking to Jordan Peterson about the failings of modern liberal ideology? Without Joe there to say, “Marxism? Now that’s interesting,” how will I ever get things going down there? I can’t cum unless I hear Joe react to the deconstruction of radical progressivism.

It’s not all about the sex. What about when I go on a date? Picture it: we’re driving to a restaurant, the van windows are down, there’s a beautiful sunset, and a light evening breeze is treating my date and me to a delightful dance from the Joey Diaz bobblehead on my dash. The only thing needed to complete this mood and ensure an incredible night is Joe chatting it up with Ben Shapiro about pronouns. I’m pretty certain this is the right move and I plan to test this theory as soon as someone agrees to go on a date with me but I can only do so if the Joe Rogan Experience remains uncanceled and available on all podcasting platforms.

Trust me. I may not have experienced any of this stuff first hand but I have an excellent sense of logical deduction so I can say without a shred of doubt, Joe Rogan’s pod is the ideal soundtrack to doing the nasty. Hopefully, he’ll do an episode about why these dog-brained women always end dates so early and abruptly. At the very least, please don’t cancel him until he figures that one out!