ESCATAWPA, Miss. — American rock band 3 Doors Down has not yet received the anticipated bump in revenue and fans following their performance at President Donald Trump’s inauguration in January, according to sources close to the band.
“It doesn’t make any sense,” said Brad Arnold, vocalist of the prosaic rock outfit. “This is the biggest gig you can get! It’s like the Super Bowl, but every four years. We were so excited and then… nothing. At all. Would you believe our album sales have actually gone down a bit?”
After a series of high-profile refusals and cancellations by other acts, the notably average quintet was asked to perform their signature blend of adequate hard rock to an allegedly record-breaking crowd.
“Holy shit — that was easily the most people we’ve ever played for!” said guitarist Chris Henderson after the show. “Not counting the times there were more, of course. But we were told not to mention that. I should stop talking.”
With the lack of A-list celebrities at the event, many speculated President Trump was “grasping for straws” with his bookings. Yet, despite appearances with celebrities like Lee Greenwood and Jon Voight, some in the aggressively pedestrian band may already regret their involvement.
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“I don’t know if we should’ve been mixed up with this,” admitted drummer Greg Upchurch. “We thought it’d lead to some great opportunities, but so far, it’s been all county fairs and one show at some ‘alt’ festival that I don’t want to talk about. Trump said we were his favorite band, but I don’t know. You don’t think he would lie about a thing like that, do you?”
Despite data showing their stagnant record sales, President Trump assured the American public that 3 Doors Down “has never been more popular” since playing his inauguration.
“My inauguration was a huge success — great music, the best music anyone’s ears have ever heard,” said the former game show host and current President. “The 3 Days Down played a lovely show. Congratulations on going triple-platinum in album sales. Thanks to me, these men still have jobs.”
Article by Randy Scope and Mark Roebuck @mark_roebuck.