FREEHOLD, N.J. — High school junior Andy Moran gave his mother a Honey Clementine-scented Yankee Candle earlier today for Mother’s Day, a gift that, unbeknownst to him, will be used during sexual intercourse in the evening with his father, sources predict.
“My mom is a saint. That’s why I spare no expense on her special day — she deserves the best scented candles this world has to offer,” said Moran, totally unaware the candle will likely be melted and poured upon his father’s bare ass amongst other intimate acts. “I’m not gonna lie, Yankee Candles have the best scents. I’d eat them if I could!”
The 17-year-old Moran has always relied on Yankee Candles for classic Hallmark events like holidays and birthdays, but sources close to the family note he’s never suspected the scented wax was a component of his parents’ sexual explorations.
“For Christmas last year, I bought her one that smelled just like a beach,” recalled Moran of a 22 oz. jar candle that lasted only two sessions between his parents. “She loved that one. It was like the ocean was right outside. It was crazy!”
Experts have long feared the repercussions of children discovering how their various gifts were actually viewed and used.
“No matter how old you are, you never really want to acknowledge your parents’ sexual desires,” said developmental psychologist Dr. Deborah Riley. “If kids knew that 90 percent of all neck ties given on Father’s Day were used for autoerotic asphyxiation, they would never stop throwing up. I recommend getting your parents gift cards. They can’t do anything gross with gift cards, as far as we can tell.”
Unfortunately for the younger Moran, each and every gift he’s ever offered his parents unknowingly became a new toy for their bedroom activities.
“For Father’s Day, I always get Dad athletic gear. Last year, I got him racquetballs,” he said of the rubber, mouth-sized balls that were ultimately fashioned into gag masks. “He loved them! Last time Dad and I played on the court, though, it looked like maybe one of the dogs chewed it. I’ll have to get him some more.”