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Trump Vows To Keep Gitmo Open, Luxurious

DETROIT – President Obama’s desire to close Guantanamo Bay took center stage at CNN’s Republican debate tonight, with each of the candidates asserting the importance of keeping the controversial military base open and functional. But while most candidates simply favored business as usual, frontrunner Donald Trump pushed further.

“Of course we need to keep Gitmo open. Look, people, we have to do it — we have to. But I don’t think that’s going to be enough. We have to be smart,” Trump said from behind his lectern. “When I’m President, they’ll say, ‘President Trump, we have to shut down Gitmo,’ and I’ll say, ‘Not only will Gitmo stay open for business, but I’ll make it bigger and better than ever before.’ You’re going to love it. It’ll be so safe, and so uuuge. It will be the premier blacksite of the world. We’re going to get my friends at Steinway-Lyngdorf to do the sound system. Seriously, it’s going to sound amazing. People will never sleep,” said Trump, gesturing to the rabid crowd.

“And let me tell you something else: the muslims are going to pay for it,” Trump added to enthusiastic applause.

As the other candidates continued to blend into the background, Trump pushed ahead with his plans.

“I am going to build it taller than any other building and fill it with so many terrorist losers. It’ll be like nothing you’ve ever seen. You’ll be so happy. There will be plush, monogrammed, Egyptian cotton towels for waterboarding and, yes, of course, we’ll be importing the water through my friends at Nestle. These terrorists bastards will have never seen such luxury, too bad for them — we will never remove their fine satin blindfolds.”


When moderator Megyn Kelly questioned Trump’s experience running a black-site prison he fired back at his old foe.

“At a luxurious $3 million a year per prisoner,” he said. “There’s no one more qualified to run this facility than Donald J. Trump, sweetheart.”