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Tearful George W. Bush, Carrying Rifle, Leads Brother Behind Barn

PRAIRIE CHAPEL RANCH, TX – Sources confirmed this morning that after Jeb Bush’s embarrassing loss in New Hampshire’s 2016 primary, former President George W. Bush was seen leading his little brother out back behind the old barn on their Texas ranch, rifle in hand and his eyes clouded with tears.

“Well, we just knew it was time,” said the visibly distraught 43rd President. “He had a good run there for a little while, but Pa called me up last week and I knew what it was about just from the sound of his breathing.”

The younger George Bush said that he and his father, George H. W. Bush, had discussed the arrangement a few days before the Iowa Caucus. It was decided that, with George W. Bush being the last respectable stock to come of the Bush gene pool, he should be the one to “dispose of” his brother Jeb.

It’s been an embarrassing and ultimately disappointing candidacy for Jeb Bush. With his poll numbers steadily in decline and a private yet daily battle with incontinence leaving its mark on the family’s carpets, the Bush family as a whole agreed it was in his best interest to “end things before they get any worse.”

“Of course I’m a little sad about it,” George W. said. “But I’m happy knowing that he’ll be in a better place with God, Reagan, and the American middle class.”


Jeb Bush appeared as optimistic as ever in the moments leading up to his mercy slaughter, reportedly whistling show tunes and making plans to begin planting alfalfa sprouts to feed wild bunny rabbits. “You’ll see George, I’m gonna’ tend those rabbits so good,” he said with a pitifully naïve smile.

Just before press time, George W. was heard softly whispering words of comfort to his old friend. “Just close your eyes and think about Papa’s campaign. Think about the crowds, Jebby. Close your eyes and think about the crowds.”

Photo by CJ Hanevy, T Fox Foto, Joseph Sohm, and Mirinda Moriarty @leeloodallas_multipass.