WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership met with President Trump to seek help coming up with “sick burns and zingers” for their shared political rivals, sources confirm.
“Obviously, we don’t see eye to eye with Donald Trump on much. For instance, he wants a massive military budget and unwavering support for Israel, while we want a massive military budget, unwavering support for Israel and school lunch programs,” said Hakeem Jeffries while packing for an AIPAC-funded cruise. “There is something we can agree on, though: DSA is a dangerous, radical organization that threatens to undermine American life as we know it. However, it’s no secret we’re not great when it comes to nicknames and insults, so we turned to Trump for help with how best to denigrate leftist candidates. Right off the bat he thought up ‘Claire Red Scare Valdez.’ Genius!”
Most younger leftists consider these attempts at mean nicknames to be “cringe,” so many of the insults fall flat.
“They really think they can stop us with this tired unc shit? Schumer just called Francesca Wong ‘Francesca Wrong.’ Really? That’s the best you’ve got?” fumed DSA member Maggie Walstrom. “Trump somehow gets a pass when he trots out these lame, low-effort burns—such as ‘Marjorie Traitor Brown’—but weak bitches like Schumer don’t have the juice to pull it off. We’re winning primaries across the country and that scares the shit out of centrist Dems. They’re terrified they may have to deliver on policies that help working class people, not just Netanyahu.”
Inventor Herb Weiss says there’s a technological solution to the Democrats’ inability to craft effectual put-downs.
“My newest creation could be of immense help to the Democratic Party if they’d only return my calls. Meet RoastBot 3000,” said Weiss, yanking away a tarp to reveal a crudely constructed robot. “RoastBot has been trained on the work of history’s cruelest insult artists, including Don Rickles, Greg Geraldo and my own father. RoastBot can deliver original cutting barbs and jabs at lightning speed. For instance, just this morning RoastBot told me I was a pathetic man-child who would die alone. Hilarious, right?”
At press time, Schumer noted even Trump had been stumped by Darializa Avila Chevalier, spending a few minutes trying to pronounce her name and then appearing to fall asleep for the rest of the meeting.
