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Pope Chats Up Fans Gathered Outside Sermon in Hopes of Finding Floor to Crash On

PHILADELPHIA — His Holiness Pope Francis spent a significant amount of time after his sermon in Philadelphia today chatting up followers gathered outside the cathedral, secretly hoping someone would offer him a floor to crash on.

“I have faith that if I talk to enough people someone will offer up a floor to crash on,” His Holiness said. “And God willing, my flock will remember my unfortunate allergy to our feline companions.”

In-between kissing babies, receiving notes about immigration, and promising accountability for sexual abuse in the church, Pope Francis could be heard letting followers know he had brought his own air mattress and would be “gone before you even woke up.”

Still, things weren’t looking good for Francis’ sleeping arrangements.

“P-Franky is a solid dude, backed hard,” said Charles J. Chaput, the arch bishop of Philadelphia. “I’d let him stay at my place but my normie girlfriend has to work early tomorrow and I just let D.C. diocese guys crash at our place last weekend so she’s kinda pissed.”

“One of the other dudes should put him up. It’s Father Matthew’s turn,” Chaput added.

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His Holiness Pope Francis, the symbolic representation of God on earth, noted that he had absolutely no plans of renting out a hotel room, and would all-night it to the next stop if need be. But besides the difficulty finding a spot to crash, Francis remained positive about his U.S. tour.

“The turnout for this tour has been pretty sick. I’m bummed delays at the pressing plant forced the record to come out after we get home, but we released one song on Soundcloud to get the homies hyped,” Francis said.

UPDATE: The Pope has decided to just fly home to the Vatican.

Photo by Giulio Napolitano /