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Opinion: Bernie Sanders Can Still Win This

It’s November 9th, and Donald Trump was just announced as the 45th President of The United States, but that doesn’t mean it’s over yet: Bernie Sanders can still win this thing, baby.

Yesterday, America voted for one of three major candidates. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump took the majority of the states, sure, and Bernie Sanders won zero states… but, so what? Hillary already rigged the system against Bernie once; who’s to say she and Trump didn’t conspire to do it again?

The way I understand the Electoral College works is that, in a close election, we only count the votes of college students all across the country, since they are the future of the country, and therefore deserve to decide. That’s why it’s an “Electoral College.” This puts the race at 53% Clinton, 45% Sanders, and 2% Trump, which… still looks like a potential loss for Bernie.

But it’s not over yet! See, there’s a famous shark — Harkey the Shark — who correctly predicted the last 16 presidential elections; he famously predicted a Trump win back in August 2015. On November 11th, Bernie Sanders is allowed by law to argue his position in front of Harkey to attempt to sway his mind. Harkey is a Brooklyn native, and since his tank is run using government funds (and he is therefore pro-universal healthcare), I think it’s pretty clear that, given the right speech, he should be easily swayed towards Bernie. This should be enough to change the Electoral College votes and push the race to 50% Trump, 48% Sanders, 2% Clinton. Still losing to Hillary, but we’re getting somewhere now.

Next step? Superdelegates. I, for one, took great offense to using superdelegates back when it stole the Democratic nomination from Bernie, but now I understand why they’re necessary: to win the election for the better candidate.

We probably all know of this rule, but just in case you haven’t studied Poli Sci: superdelegates hate moonlight. So if any superdelegates are seen after dark, we know their minds have been altered by outside influences, and their votes are therefore thrown out. Our team has spotted hundreds of these across the country, so, that would put Bernie up to 2,356 delegates! Which is just in reaching distance to Hillary’s 2,408.

I’m sure you’re asking, “How do we get those extra 52 delegates?” This is the easiest part: all we have to do is invent a time travel device that will allow Bernie to go back to early 2015 and change his positions to draw even more support from African-Americans. That’ll be enough to sway the 100 or so African-American delegates to our side and win the election!

So, please stop posting online that Trump already won. I can say with confidence that our next president will be Bernie Sanders!