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Natural, Cruelty-Free Deodorant Causes Immense Suffering on Crowded Train

NEW YORK — One commuter’s choice of an organic deodorant last week subjected a crowded, rush-hour subway train to “inhumane” conditions, according to the World Health Organization.

Multiple commuters on the F train reported an “awful” smell not normally found on the typically pristine New York subway system.

“I was late to work and the train pulled up, and once the doors opened, everyone stuffed into the car. They all looked dehydrated and like they had lost their will to live; pretty normal stuff in New York. But then, the smell hit me,” said Sandra Perez. “It was like nothing I had smelled before. It was like someone ate a bunch of mud and then threw it up.”

The intense odor has been linked to local animal rights activist Kevin Lewiston, who has not used a product tested on animals in over 10 years.

“Testing on animals in any way is wrong. It’s 2016, and this barbaric practice needs to end. There are plenty of cruelty-free options that are also all-natural, so they don’t hurt the environment,” said Lewiston. “I use a cinnamon and fig deodorant that’s good for about 5 minutes, so I have to reapply it often… problem is, the stuff doesn’t really go on smooth, so it tears up my armpits. I probably don’t apply as much as I should due to the pain.”

The confined victims on the train were not satisfied with Lewiston’s compassionate stance.


“Hey, listen — that guy has a stink like nothing else I ever saw. It wasn’t even a hot day and that train smelled like low tide and a dumpster in Chinatown were hooking up,” said commuter Charlie Longo. “I don’t care if you are trying to save the whales — you need to smell like a decent human being so I don’t throw up in my lunch pail.”

MTA chairman Thomas Prendergast announced the train car in which Lewiston traveled would temporarily be out of service until it could be properly aired out and cleaned.

“We’re going to open the windows, probably run it down the track for a few miles… maybe Febreze the shit out of the place,” said Prendergast. “Yeah, he really did his part to help the world.”