CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Renowned MIT physicist Lawrence Gordon inspired the scientific world early last week when he nearly retrieved a pick out of his acoustic guitar, multiple bespectacled sources confirmed.
“This is a breakthrough for the ages,” said fellow physicist Tom Tyler. “Ever since the guitar was invented sometime in the 15th century, this problem has plagued countless musicians. By slightly tilting the guitar topwise at a 45 degree angle, Larry has brought us closer to a solution than ever before. Each time, we could see the pick, but nobody had fingers skinny enough to grab it.”
Gordon was first noted for his engineering advancements in the medical field, but his guitar pick recovery method has been by far his most popular near-achievement.
“Sure, it felt good knowing my past work saved lives, but do you have any idea how much gash is lost every year due to a pick dropping into an acoustic guitar halfway through a dorm room Coldplay cover?” Gordon said. “With just a few more years of research, we can cut that loss in half. Think of all that hypothetical pussy people will get because of me.”
He later added, “I hope they call my technique the ‘Large-Hard-on-Collider.’”
News of the technique, now known as the “Everlong Maneuver,” spread rapidly among musicians everywhere.
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“If they can actually pull this off, it will be everyone’s go-to method — like the heimlich maneuver, but for people playing ‘Wonderwall,’” Guitar Center employee Dexter Grant said. “Which is ironic, since I wish everyone playing ‘Wonderwall’ would fucking choke. Maybe science has gone too far this time.”
Earlier variations of Gordon’s technique were tried for centuries, but to no avail.
“My first attempt was a slight modification on the previous gold standard, where you line up the pick with the hole and flip the guitar over real quick,” Gordon said. “But the strings kept blocking the pick from falling out. I thought about taking off the strings, but I’d need another doctorate just to get those fucking things back on.”
Unfortunately, Gordon was denied a grant to further his research on acoustic guitars. He is now focusing on removing the bow from his cello.
Photo by Kat Chish.