SAN FRANCISCO – Josh Aarons, the annoying friend you met in college but are still connected to via social media, is clearly and concisely explaining how the Democratic Party elite, the mainstream media, and a race of subterranean reptile superdelegates are conspiring to obscure Bernie Sanders’ landmark victory over math.
And the media is completely silent on the matter. A total blackout.
Aarons, a theatre major you settled for as a friend because you didn’t have any better options freshman year, is absolutely and magnificently eviscerating anyone who dare challenge him, yet not a single media outlet bothered to cover it. Not one.
“See, it’s all about superdelegates. They’re evil — controlled by a subterranean lord of the underworld named Kravok — but they don’t vote until July 23,” Aarons explained. “Anyone who tells you that these scaly, split-tongued beasts of the underworld vote before that is lying to you.”
According to Aarons, these hideous, center-earth monsters are undemocratic by nature, put in place by the party establishment to upend the will of the people. But, he continues, they’re also going to switch sides for Bernie, despite mainstream media outlets simply refusing to report it.
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“I don’t understand why they refuse to acknowledge this ancient reptile community that will bring us towards the light. I will fight to the last stand for Bernie, no matter what it takes, or what blood oath I need to make to Kravok, the One True Lord of Fire,” said Aarons, arguing that it is Hillary Clinton who should drop out of the race. “I don’t care if 3 million of my friends comment on my status to disagree with me — the Father of Fire and I will hold our ground.”
A request for comment sent to Kravok’s Palace of Pain and Suffering went unanswered, but he did release a rare, albeit very brief press statement, which the Hard Times translated from the ancient, demonic language in which it was written:
“All who oppose me shall feel my burn.” — Kravok