I sat in the restaurant waiting for Jonah to show up. I was nervous. Jonah Hill is a big actor, an Oscar winner and a director. Today I have only one purpose. To sit down with Mr Hill and ask him kindly to just knock it off already. We’ve all had just about enough of this ‘Jonah Hill’ thing he’s been doing these past few years.
I had a lot of trouble finding him. Unfortunately, I chose a restaurant that is patronised exclusively by either very fat men or very thin men who all have beards. Any of these people could’ve been Jonah Hill, and I would never know it. I realise that he’s been waiting on me for the last fifteen minutes as a ‘performance piece’. I acknowledge this and ask him to sit with me, which he does. I’d describe what he looked like, but that would probably be out of date by the time this goes to print.
“I decided to make therapy my entire thing,” Hill says as he orders a gigantic salad. “Therapy has led me to be more introspective, thinking about myself. Eventually, I thought my introspection was too good to keep for just myself, so I chose to make it everyone else’s problem too. Therapy can be a really tremendous process, but it’s even more effective if you expose the public to your therapy against their will.”
I asked Mr Hill if he would mind toning it down a bit, or maybe just knocking it off altogether, and he went into a seemingly prepared speech about how I was limiting him with my boundaries, and how unhealthy that is for our relationship. I told him we weren’t in a relationship, but he had already started talking about surfing, so I decided to let it go.
After a couple of hours of me trying to discourage Jonah from keeping his whole ‘thing’ going, he decided he was going to make a movie about me and my vibe. Apparently, I’ll be played by Ike Barinholtz, and it’s a drama.
Mr Hill shook my hand, thanked me for my time, and took a brief trip to the bathroom. When he emerged, he was 45 pounds heavier and had an impressive set of mutton chops. He nodded goodbye to me and left. All in all, I had a wonderful time with Jonah Hill, a kind, warm person, who just needs to cut it out already.
