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Goth Finishes Third Lint Roller This Week

CLEVELAND — Local goth Stacy “Scheherazade” Kowalski used an entire three-pack of lint rollers in just five days, according to sources within the macabre woman’s “coven.”

The despondent Kowalski has been uncharacteristically open about her aggressive lint roller habit.

“I have to roll myself down every 20-30 minutes,” she said. “Wearing black is supposed to present an unending, dark emptiness, but it does the opposite when it comes to dust.”

The constant grooming has taken a financial toll on the young absinthe aficionado. Kowalski compared the price of supplying herself in lint rollers to a “$30-per-month goth tax,” and boasted that her Costco membership paid for itself on lint roller savings alone. The somber 24-year-old did note her lint rolling situation got much worse after adopting her cat, Beelzebub.

“I am constantly cleaning Bub’s hair off my leggings,” she added with a wistful sigh. “Her hair is black, so you wouldn’t expect it to be a problem. But as soon as I step out into that miserable sunlight, the cat hair really makes me look like a person who can’t keep herself together.”

Experts claim such day-to-day hassles are common in the goth community.

“Being goth is a lifestyle of everyday hardships. We undoubtedly put up a veneer of not caring what others think of our appearances, but, truthfully, we spend at least 10% of every day keeping our outfits in order,” said Sir Montgomery Pyrite, editor of the goth lifestyle blog DEATHSTYLE. “If one isn’t fixing a chipped nail or keeping oneself dust-free after a rave in an old abandoned church, one must be busy tracking down a store that still peddles in clove cigarettes. It is not a life for the faint of heart.”

Kowalski, however, plans to simply put up with the situation for the foreseeable future.

“Sure, sometimes I wonder if it’s worth all the effort just so my aesthetic can match the amount of Siouxsie and the Banshees I listen to. But I’m not stopping,” said the black-clad woman. “The extra work doesn’t matter to me.”

“Because nothing matters,” she clarified.

Photo by Courtney Baka @CourtneyBaka.