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Woman Who Can’t Find Passport Pinpoints Exact Location of Jupiter on Night of Birth

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — An attempt to locate a passport was halted earlier this afternoon when Capricorn/Libra-rising Vickie Bailey-Wilson paused the search to calculate her natal chart, a source confirms.

Bailey-Wilson, who attributes her “curious nature” to the placement of Gemini in her ninth house of mental exploration, charted her astrological coordinates amid one of several breaks from scouring for the legal document.

“Um, basically, I wish this was required reading for my mom before she forced me to go to college. People with their Mars trine Mercury are just not suited for traditional jobs. We just aren’t,” she said after reading the free astrological forecast found online.

Despite being unable to locate the paperwork in her 850-square foot apartment, Bailey-Wilson was reportedly delighted to pinpoint the exact location of a planet positioned nearly 450 million miles away from Earth on the evening of her birth.

“Well, my Jupiter is seven degrees Scorpio, which means I either attract good fortune, or I’m not open to new ideas,” she said. “They say the stars are always open to interpretation, but honestly, this is literally me to a ‘T.’”

Bailey-Wilson’s friend, Sam Carpella, claimed momentum in the passport search has been gridlocked for nearly an hour.

“I came over here to help her get ready for her trip to Italy, but I don’t really know what the hold up is,” a frustrated Carpella said. “It looks like she packed a bowl earlier and pulled a few tarot cards or something, the way she kept talking about a ‘fire sign, male’. I just hope this lets up quick. I can’t be late to work again.”

Frequent and ongoing delays notwithstanding, Bailey-Wilson is determined to complete the task at hand, and remains confident the passport will eventually be uncovered.

“Well, I’m not giving up, but that’s kind of just the ‘eyes on the prize’ Capricorn in me, I guess,” she said. “Plus, I just really need to find this fucking thing, because my mom booked this trip, like, four months ago, and she’s gonna be super pissed if I flake again.”