WASHINGTON — Eric and Donald Trump Jr. have assembled a multi-agency law enforcement coalition to find and arrest the alleged members of Antifa who sold them shitty cocaine last night, members of the intelligence committee have confirmed.
“Last night, we were the victims of a brutal terrorist attack after our cocaine hookup Terry brought us what we could only assume, after consuming it all in three minutes, was baking powder mixed with bleach and fentanyl. The only conclusion we could come to was that he’s been compromised by Antifa in an attempt to ruin our Saturday night,” the Trump sons said in a joint press release. “Once we stop throwing up blood we will find out how Hunter Biden is funding these lunatics, and we’ll hunt these leftist scumbags to the ends of the earth and make them reimburse us for ruining our yacht day!”
FBI Director Kash Patel announced the agency was leading the investigation into the alleged terrorist attack.
“After testing the poisoned coke, I can say, now that the imaginary spiders have stopped crawling out of my girlfriend’s eye sockets, that this must be the handiwork of Antifa’s network of 75,019,230 terrorists. If these violent leftists are poisoning our nation’s strategic blow reserves, then it’s only a matter of time before they go after the Trump family’s MDMA and ketamine,” said Patel. “We’ve narrowed down key suspects from the president’s enemies list, and justice will prevail in a few days or so because, frankly, me and everyone else who was partying with the Trump boys last night are too strung out to do a real investigation right now.”
CIA agents became involved after a briefing from the Secret Service.
“Wait, that garbage coke I threw together was supposed to get sent over to ICE to plant on legal immigrants and protesters, which I guess means — oh hell, I gave those rent-a-cops the most premium Colombian snow money can buy. Our whole narrative linking immigrants to the fentanyl crisis is about to go in the shitter,” said field agent Jeff Cooper. “I’m not even worried about being caught operating on U.S. soil. My ass is going to be deported to El Salvador if this comes back to me.”
As of press time, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. were seen accompanying an armed, anti-Antifa task force to investigate which Georgetown frat was hiding the best cocaine in DC.
