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Community Garden Abandoned Two Months Ahead of Schedule

BROOKLYN — A neighborhood garden has been left to the elements a full 60 days ahead of projections in a “triumph of underachievement,” according to city planners.

Project leaders cite procrastination, infighting, and unsavory loiterers as key factors in the accelerated failure of the urban farming endeavor.

“I’d pictured myself eating these big, juicy tomatoes we all grew together right off the vine,” said garden member Beth Flint. “But the new season of Kimmy Schmidt just dropped, my kid probably has a school thing, and the plot is, like, three city blocks away. So, yeah. Whatever. I’ll just get my produce through Amazon like a normal person.”

The Brooklyn Unity Garden, or BUG, was to be a 100 percent organic, sustainable garden built at a former elementary school. Last winter, a board of directors was elected, rules & regulations adopted, and rain collection canisters purchased to ensure the project flamed out in spectacular fashion.

“In my experience, community gardens normally have short lifespans, but I fully expected to at least harvest a few raspberries before everyone got sick of this place,” said BUG president Lindsey Nolan. “The vagrant I saw yesterday defecating in the compost bin was a great symbol of a community uniting in complete apathy. We really ensured the failure of this project.”

Organizers report they were able to drop a third of potential members almost immediately by asking them to pay dues. More left after a requirement to build their own garden beds, and another 10 members were lost after they couldn’t find anyone on Takl willing to tend their garden for them.

“I am so passionate about organic gardening,” said BUG member Todd Crispin. “At least, I was in April. But, now, I’ve moved on to mural painting. Or, I was. I got halfway through painting this huge piece on a bookstore on 7th St., but then I got really into origami.”

The organization is reportedly on track to complete another scheduling feat this week, following a dispute over whether a community-centered, non-profit radio station should focus on indie-rock or alt-rock.