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Ben Carson Needs More Vocals In The Monitor Stage Right

HOUSTON, TX – As Dr. Ben Carson’s presidential campaign continues to stall and sputter, many supporters hoped tonight’s Republican Presidential Debate would provide the spark Carson’s campaign needed to make up significant ground on frontrunners Donald J. Trump and Ted Cruz. Unfortunately, Dr. Carson used the majority of his limited speaking time requesting his vocals be turned up in the stage monitors.

When asked about his stance on U.S. involvement in Syria, after long-winded replies from both Trump and Cruz, Carson reportedly blew into the microphone, yelling “CHECK, 1, 2, CHEEECK-KA-KA,” and gesturing upwards with his index fingers to the debate moderators. On gay marriage, Carson wasted his precious few seconds of time on camera saying iterations of “More in stage right please?” and “YO YO YO!” while pointing to various pieces of sound equipment on the stage.

“I don’t think the sound guy was listening to me,” said a subdued Carson after the debate. “Sounds and the ability to hear them are a serious issue facing America. It’s common sense: If the American people can’t hear my message, they’ll never understand it and get behind it. It shouldn’t take a brain surgeon to get the levels right,” continued Carson, stifling laughter at his own joke.

“I wasn’t listening to Mr. Carson,” said sound engineer Cody Sampson. “I didn’t really have control over the stage monitors, but he kept looking at me directly and giving me the sideways thumb gesture, as if asking if I could hear him ok. I just pretended to fiddle with some knobs and gave him a thumbs up. I mistakenly cranked the reverb on his mic for almost 10 minutes, but nobody was paying attention.”

“Honestly why is he still here?” Sampson added.


As part of his closing remarks, supporters waiting to hear Carson’s signature deadpan style and sardonic wit on issues like ISIS and the economy were instead greeted with questions like “How are my levels?” and “Is there any way to get more in this monitor right here?”

Early reports suggest that his debate performance has not affected his poll numbers either positively or negatively in any way.