TUCSON, Ariz. — Employees of the Sunny Side Inn discovered this morning that touring rock’n’roll band The Squashers viciously destroyed their room online, leaving a scathing review on the popular website Yelp, according to hotel staff.
“Oh, my God. They mentioned everything,” said traumatized assistant manager Glenn Rothman. “They mocked the kitchenette, they scorned the television … I don’t even want to tell you what these degenerates said about the tub.”
Following a wild night of showering while wearing sandals and checking themselves for bed bugs, staff believe the Squashers posted the two-star review on Yelp just before checking out of the room. They reportedly spared no details in destroying the Sunny Side Inn’s ratings, with gripes ranging from uncleanliness to potentially illegal business practices.
“There’s no way those sheets were cleaned recently. I slept in my sleeping bag on top of the bed,” said vocalist Annie Rivers. “And we paid $10 for Wi-Fi that was pretty obviously from the Del Taco next door. Honestly, I thought I was being nice by giving them two stars.”
Other band members admitted more than just room quality factored into the reckless review.
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“We aren’t really that picky about hotels. We thought a pool would be awesome, but it was half-drained, and the water still there smelled a lot like gasoline,” added bassist Richard Butler. “Also, I know the difference between a continental breakfast and a pile of granola bars. I mean, c’mon.”
Reggie Mickelson, owner of the Sunny Side Inn for 64 years, claimed the band was out of line. In particular, he worried about the lasting implications of the increasing number of unfavorable reviews.
“It was a simpler time back when I opened this place,” Mickelson said. “Bands would come and do whatever they wanted, then, in the morning, you’d put a new TV in there, maybe wash the carpet, and, bam—good as new,” said Mickelson, surveying the review with his hands on his hips. “These kids today, though—they write a review, and it stays out there forever. You don’t need a blacklight to see a Yelp review.”
Photo by Danny Krug.