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Welcome to Rockville Held Up in Multi-Day Battle Against Welcome to Papersville, Scissorsville

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Multi-day music fest Welcome to Rockville was delayed on Friday after engaging in a multi-day battle against the highly competitive Welcome to Papersville and Welcome to Scissorsville events, sources close to the festivals confirmed.

“While we want to express our sincerest apologies for the delay, we can confirm Welcome to Rockville has, in fact, emerged victorious from the battle,” said event spokesperson Keri Yahm. “Because nothing is more embarrassing than being outshined by Papersville — everyone knows that.”

Since the winner of the tournament would pick where the trio would meet for drinks, Welcome to Rockville allegedly spent several days quietly biding its time, hoping that Welcome to Papersville and Welcome to Scissorsville would “work that shit out amongst themselves like a couple of assholes.”

“I’ll be damned if I’m hanging out at a Chili’s for the third week in a row — I just had to lay low and let Scissorsville do it’s thing ‘til Papersville got cut outta there,” Welcome to Rockville said. “Even though, if it really came down to it, I could easily bust through Papersville like it was nothing. Like, if you held Papersville outstretched, even a tiny Rockville would tear a hole right through it. I don’t know who made up those rules.”

When asked if the music festival was nervous at any point during the battle, Welcome to Rockville grew dismissive.

“Please, this ain’t my first spin around the block. I know how it works,” the fest boasted. “Yeah, Papersville might have tried some tricky shit with a bunch of throws in a row, but I knew it was only a matter of time before Scissorsville reared its pointy little head. And then, it was all smooth sailing for me.”

“Plus, I’m not sure what the fuck goes on at a paper or scissors festival anyway,” Welcome to Rockville added. “Go have fun wrapping presents and not seeing Ozzy, ya dicks.”

At press time, Welcome to Papersville was challenging its competitors to see who could win two rounds out of three.

Article by The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews.