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Weezer Deciding If Next Album Should Be One of the Good Ones or Not

LOS ANGELES — Iconic rock band Weezer are hard at work trying to decide whether their next album will be one of the more enjoyable ones or one that is universally panned, confirmed sources who stopped caring five or six records ago.

“Every time we sit to down to write a new album, we spend a good month figuring out whether it’ll be an all-time classic that fans will adore for eternity or one that will only enrage people so much that they burn a copy in their backyard and flush its ashes down the toilet never to be heard of again,” said singer Rivers Cuomo. “Sure, we could just make the Blue Album and ‘Pinkerton’ every other year for the rest of our lives, but then everyone would get bored. Like, who wants to listen to a band’s nearly perfect discography? Not me. I like some flops every so often. That’s why you need to write a ‘Hurley’ and a ‘Raditude’ every now and then. It just makes the good ones really pop. Last time we wrote an album we just spun a 12-foot-tall, custom-made wheel to figure out which to write. That made the decision very easy for us.”

Fans of the band begged for dear life to get one of the good ones this time.

“Weezer is my absolute favorite band of all time if you remove half their records from human existence,” said longtime on-and-off diehard fan Kerry Grindstone. “I’ve loved them ever since ‘Buddy Holly’ and hated them with every fiber in my body since ‘Love Is the Answer.’ Honestly, I’d be happy with a mediocre record at this point. Not too good, but not too bad. Something you listen to every few years to make you realize there are better things you can be doing with your time than listening to late-stage Weezer.”

Music historians have been studying the band’s admittedly inconsistent discography for decades.

“There isn’t a more tumultuous band out there than Weezer,” said David Hershfield. “We still haven’t quite figured out if the band is messing with their fans or they genuinely forget how to write excellent music from time to time. They’re like the ‘Star Wars’ of music. Some movies you can rewatch over and over again as fans, and others will need to be ridiculed online until the makers are shamed into making a good one again. Tough to say for sure why creators do this to us. Just give us good content already.”

At press time, Weezer announced their next album will be one of the bad ones after their in-house groundhog didn’t see its shadow.